WHITEST WHITE BOY CLICHE I EVER DID WITNESS

  1. β€’
    So last spring I was out at a favorite local bar with my lady friends 🍻
  2. β€’
    But I left with a very attractive ginger named Matthew πŸ™Š
    Scandalous, I know. (if anyone ever needs assistance my girl Ellen is the world's greatest wingwoman, I kid you not)
  3. β€’
    So we went back to his place, along with his friends from the bar
    Sidenote: this was in Dallas. Matthew lives in D.C. so he was staying with old school friends. So I use the term "his place" rather loosely; also, "roommate(s)" will have a liberal definition as well
  4. β€’
    The group of us from the bar were making breakfast burritos 🌯
    As you do whilest drunk at 3am.
  5. β€’
    A new guy walks in, who I soon discover is another roommate of this house
    Also: these are all rich white boys who went to private schools all the way through university. This adds to the cliche of all cliches that stars in this story.
  6. β€’
    "Hey man, where were you tonight? Why didn't you come to the bar?"
  7. β€’
    "I was at the strip clubs" πŸ’ƒπŸ»
    At which point my thoughts are: well okay then, you were at the strip clubs
  8. β€’
    *whispers in my ear* "He just got dumped this afternoon" πŸ’”
    My "date" (what on earth do you call the person you went home from the bar with?) tells me this right after Cliche White Boy declares where he'd been all evening.
  9. β€’
    Cliche White Boy rambles for a bit about how sad he is he was dumped, how he didn't technically cheat on his ex-girlfriend because "oral doesn't count"
    My thoughts at this point: Yikes you are a bit of a trainwreck who certainly probably deserved to get dumped.
  10. β€’
    Cliche White Boy then pulls out a baggie of what is unmistakenably cocaine
    Being the gentleman that he is, he offers some to everyone else in the kitchen. My thoughts at this point: shit, what have I gone home with
  11. β€’
    My "date" (sorry I don't know what else to call him) declines, as do I πŸ™…πŸΌ
    Drugs aren't my thing. Also I was very relieved that Ginger declined, too, because I was not about to get in bed with a stranger high on cocaine (a girl has to have her limits).
  12. β€’
    Other roommate who is making the eggs and bacon replies, dead serious, "Nah, man, I can't, I gave that shit up for Lent"
    I have no idea how I managed to not dissolve into hideous laughter at this point. I mean I'm not Catholic or anything but I feel like cocaine isn't on the approved Lent list?
  13. β€’
    Cliche White Boy sighs a bit about having to snort his coke all by himself, but consoles himself by making lines on the counter
    Right above our breakfast burrito fixings. Cue nervous stares from me because I was very hungry but really didn't want to ingest cocaine unwittingly. Pretty sure we were all clear but I guess I'll never know for sure.
  14. β€’
    Cliche White Boy pulls out a $100 bill (I kid you not, it was a bonafide Benjamin) to roll up πŸ’Έ
    Like the rich white boy that he is.
  15. β€’
    He offers a line to each of us one more time
    Because he's a Texas gentleman.
  16. β€’
    We all watch him do his lines in a weird trance-like silence
  17. β€’
    Five minutes later: Cliche White Boy's nose turns into a red faucet πŸšΏπŸ’‰
    While cursing and insisting "This has never happened to me before! What the fuck!" My thoughts at this point: You can't be fucking serious.
  18. β€’
    So, to recap:
    Cliche White Boy got caught cheating on his gf but it "was only oral"; Cliche White Boy gets dumped by said gf; Cliche White Boy takes his depressed ass to strip clubs (plural), alone; Cliche White Boy then comes home to do cocaine (which his roommate gave up for Lent); Cliche White Boy employs a $100 bill to the deed; Cliche White Boy gives himself an epic nosebleed snorting said cocaine.
  19. β€’
    If someone proposed the above situation for a plot line on a sitcom about 20/30-somethings, it would get thrown out because it's too many cliches in one person
    Yet it happened. I was there. This was really this guy's Friday night in mid-March 2015.
  20. β€’
    So there you have it, the whitest white boy cliche I've yet to witness πŸ‘€
    Rich white boys. Amirite?