1. Drake is a pinecone
  2. The Illuminati is a Paris Hilton fragrance
  3. Oxygen is just a construct invented by the Paper Towel Lobby
  4. The Paper Towel Lobby is just a construct invented by the Lobbies Lobby
  5. Any car with over 65,000 miles on it isn't real
  6. Bob Dole is a Microsoft Word document
  7. The Mall of America is inside a giant invisible Nissan dealership
  8. The Titanic was sunk by a tractor
  9. Aliens live in Cuisinart appliances
  10. The New York Times is God's hipster niece's book report
  11. Cat litter and sesame seeds = same thing
  12. The Duggar family is actually the Dallas Cowboys
  13. Area 51 is Area 15
  14. Jello is poisonous under a full moon
  15. Shakespeare was a top sirloin