HOW TO BE CLASSY

Just a few tips I've picked up!
  1. 1.
    Cross your legs when you use the toilet.
  2. 2.
    Carry a silk handkerchief.
    Never use it, obviously
  3. 3.
    Remember: Science is a hobby, not a profession.
    Don't be a scientist.
  4. 4.
    Only call TV shows "programs."
    And if you ever write it, spell it "programmes"
  5. 5.
    Send people handwritten thank you notes in the mail with a stamp of a silent film era movie star.
    Ideally he/she was involved in some minor political scandal that ultimately ended up being good for the city of Los Angeles
  6. 6.
    Never eat crunchy foods.
    Ever.
  7. 7.
    Whenever you have to give someone a gift, it should be a personalized monogrammed towel.
    You can actually keep a stack of these on hand, because the monogram should be so ornate that it is unreadable, so the same monogram will work for multiple people.
  8. 8.
    Never wrap your own gifts. But also, never let a store wrap a gift. Always take your gifts to be wrapped by a small middle-aged woman who looks like a bird whose career is wrapping gifts.
  9. 9.
    You only "appreciate" sports, you don't like or love them.
    And ideally the sports you like involve horses. Swimming is acceptable too, but not breaststroke because that is unclassy.
  10. 10.
    Prominently display bird watching supplies near your bay window or French doors.
    When people attempt to use the supplies, tell them to be careful because they are John Locke's from the 1600s. Also, it is "avian study," not "bird watching."
  11. 11.
    It is better to go hungry than cook for yourself.
    Only exception: if you've just been gifted a photography-based coffee table cookbook by a New York Times bestselling author, you may "prepare" (not "cook") one dish from it.
  12. 12.
    When you are waiting at a doctor's office, only read magazine issues that have been published within the last week.
    Anything older is an embarrassment to your family.
  13. 13.
    Little known secret: thread count doesn't matter. Color matters. Your bedding should only be Pearl, Cream, Taupe, or Queen's Skin in color.