HOW YOU CAN EXPECT A WOMAN TO CHANGE THE MINUTE YOU SIGN THAT MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE
Your bae get cray.
- •Before: I love your friends.Now: I've never liked Andy. What's his problem anyway?
- •Before: I find that little thing you do so endearing.Now: I find that little thing you do fucking annoying.
- •Before: You want a blow job?Now: You're joking, right? Does it look like your birthday?
- •Before: Oh these pajamas? This little braless wife-beater and panties Jessica Alba number is just my default nightwear.Now: Oh these pajamas? My nana gave me her full-length flannel nightie collection and I will wear them every night in her honor. They might smell 80 years old but they feel it too!
- •Before: [Sweet, sexy smile at you from across the room.]Now: [Psychotic, Fatal Attraction-esque staredowns from across the room.]
- •Before: I don't care what we watch. You choose!Now: We're watching @mindy again.
- •Before: I'm not really hungry. I'll just have a side salad.Now: I'll have a double cheesebu-- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!
- •Before: Let's have sex again.Now: Get the fuck away from me.
- •Before: This bold red lipstick is called Jessica Rabbit.Now: This moisturizing, minty lip balm is called Bert's Bees.
- •Before: I could never fart in front of a guy.Now: Oh my god, don't lift the covers, I just Dutch Oven-ed so bad.
- •Before: Your family is so quirky, I love them.Now: Your family is fucking insane and if your crazy mother thinks she's seeing our future kids, she's out of her goddamn mind. By the way, we're moving.
- •Before: You feel sick? I'll make you some tea, draw you a bath, and tuck you in bed.Now: You feel sick? [snoring] What? No, I didn't fall back to sleep. I was just thinking with my eyes closed.