THINGS NORMAL PEOPLE DO THAT I CAN'T DO WHILE IN GRAD SCHOOL

  1. Prepare dinner for this chick or others
    Hey Self, you're cool with soup again, right? Momma's got that paper to write.
  2. Join others for happy hour
    Oh, you guys are meeting up at 7? Won't be able to make it today. But if you give me three days in advance so I can rearrange my brobdingnagian Google calendar, I'll try and be there next time. But no promises. Sounds fun, though.
  3. Wash the mane once a day
    Beauty or arrive on time to teach the undergrads.... Beauty or arrive on time to teach the undergrads....
  4. Watch TV in the evening
    No. I haven't seen any episodes past the first season of Downton Abbey or Once Upon A Time. So don't tell me about Dark Swan. Wait...please tell me more about Dark Swan!!
  5. Catch a movie
    In a theater? On a Saturday? There's. Just. No. Way.
  6. Leave town for more than half a day
    Nope.
  7. Go three hours without checking email
    Emails can prevent catastrophic research blunders and bring you closer to the important things in life, like free sandwiches and oatmeal cookies in the conference room. As Stan Lee is often misattributed as saying, "With great power comes great responsibility." Power may be questionable here. But who cares. I want cookie. Oh, and cheers for G chat!
  8. Go to bed early
    Too much work.
  9. Sleep in
    See previous comment.
  10. Utter the words "I don't know"
    Even though the prevailing opinion among some academicians is that graduate students know nothing, most are forbade this get-out-of-jail-free card. You read the scholarly articles, right? If so facto: outline the typology on page 25 to the class and lead an expert discussion on the 4-6 constructs in concise and expansive summarization.
  11. Confidently declare "I know"
    If distinguished researchers have difficulty defining job satisfaction and spend decades, careers--even lifetimes!--conceptualizing what some boil down to decent money and workplace friendships, then I don't feel comfortable telling you how blue and yellow make green.
  12. Use the List App for fun and not as an excuse for procrastination
    Next up, literature review with a side of cute cat memes, CNN, NASA, and a health piece on bacon-cancer.