Deep thoughts from jack handy is probably my favorite bit from SNL. I own 2 books and have spent countless hours reading them on the Internet. These are my personal favorite. Please add any favorites of your own.
  1. "If trees could scream would we be so cavalier about chopping them down? Maybe, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
  2. "Some people are like slinkies. They don't really have a purpose. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs."
  3. "Dad always said laughter was the best medicine. Which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis."
  4. "Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do criticize them, your a mile away and you have their shoes."
  5. "If you're robbing a bank, and your pants fall down, I think it's ok to laugh, and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny."
  6. "If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
  7. "Whether we find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet."
  8. "If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."
  9. "If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting."
  10. "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw."
  11. I hope if dogs take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there some Chihuahuas with some good ideas
    Suggested by @Nicholas
  12. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that big man.
    Suggested by @Nicholas
  13. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
    Suggested by @Nicholas
  14. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
    Suggested by @Nicholas