HOW MY ABORTION CHANGED OUR RELATIONSHIP

If you're new to the saga you may need to go back to some of my previous lists. Too many to link.
  1. Disclaimer: I knew things were going to be different in my life the moment I made the decision to terminate.
  2. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years. That's enough time to get into a nice groove. We get each other, we've determined our boundaries and our compromises.
    And our relationship is built on a lot more than love. It took me three years to say I loved him in the first place.
  3. When I told him I thought I was pregnant, he was very supportive.
    Basically, he didn't push me any which way. I couldn't have asked for him to handle it any better.
  4. When the hormones made life unbearable, he was very supportive.
  5. And when my depression got so bad that I couldn't get out of bed, he got me into the shower and found whatever food I could stomach.
  6. And when the misoprostol had me vomiting so much that I dehydrated, he took me to hospital at 3AM.
  7. In fact, he was sweeter than I remember him being before.
  8. And more clingy.
  9. And more affectionate.
  10. And I... Wasn't.
  11. Our dynamic has changed.
  12. I used to be the one who was sweet and romantic and a little bit clingy. Now, he is.
  13. For the first few weeks, I didn't even want him to TOUCH me. (I didn't want anyone to touch me.) I couldn't bear his hugs and kisses and affection. It repulsed me.
    Which obviously affected him. Made him sad.
  14. And I got annoyed that he was sad.
  15. I still don't feel like love is a real thing anymore. So I can't say it.
    In a way I feel like I'm not... Feeling?
  16. And it doesn't bother me.
    Which is perhaps the biggest concern.
  17. I also don't want sex. Or any degree of intimacy.
    He's quite sexual and it's been difficult for him. He respects it but it has caused strain.
  18. I'm sure my libido will come back at some point but I actually don't care right now if it never does?
  19. The thing we do together most nowadays is run. Because it's time spent but doesn't require much talking.
  20. I don't want to be with anyone else but I feel like our relationship has changed so much. And I'm a little surprised that he's still here.
  21. Part of me just wants to be alone. In a mountain. Alone.
  22. I'm struggling to connect with people and that includes him.
  23. I've just passed 6 weeks after termination so theoretically my hormones should all be back to normal again but who knows.
  24. I should be sad but I'm not.
  25. All I feel is annoyance actually.
  26. And there he is, just being wonderful and supportive about it all.