1. But actually before that there was this: ON CONSIDERING A BREAK-UP
  2. And even before that, this: HOW MY ABORTION CHANGED OUR RELATIONSHIP
    Wow. I could actually go on and on finding explanatory li.sts. But I won't.
  3. Anyway. He got home from the movie in a state that night. Talking about how tired he is of fucking up. How he's been depressed all these years (it's true, I've been begging him to get help while he refused), and how he couldn't live if we broke up. It was awful seeing him like that, and worse knowing it was because of me.
    Even though everything he said was true, and his emotions were true too, there's no doubt that he was being extremely manipulative. And it was having the desired effect because I couldn't tell him the hard truth. I kept softening it just a little to spare his feelings.
  4. We went to bed (separately). The next morning he woke up early and brought me breakfast in bed. Fresh fruits, granola, croissants... and flowers. And then we argued some more.
    Eventually my friends rescued me and we spent the whole day doing fun things and it was lovely but tinged with a lot of anxiety and foreboding.
  5. Tuesday he went to his own therapy for the first time (remember I've been asking him for years to go for therapy). He came back a lot calmer. A lot more rational. But he was also using his calmness to call upon all the spirits of mansplaining. This guy was convincing. Using my depression to sow seeds of self-doubt.
    So eventually I agreed I'd wait two weeks and think it over. He's the one getting hurt by stretching it out, but he's literally asking me to.... and I'm so tired of fighting. I just can't feel guilty about this, too. But I'm doing all my own stuff, sorting out my own dinners, and basically acting as if he's not there. And I'm not changing my mind.
  6. This week I've really been doing a lot of fun stuff with my friends, and it's been awesome. I've also done a lot of fun stuff on my own, which I also enjoyed.
    Also I've downloaded Tinder, FindHrr, and HER 🙈 I've done a lot of thinking and I think I want to be single for like a year. And I also know that I'm going to be looking more at encounters with women, and just generally exploring the way I would have had I been single in my early twenties. I haven't ACTUALLY signed up to any of them... but my friends are already planning photoshoots 🤣
  7. TODAY: you have to understand, he hates social media. Never posts pics, and NEVER allows any location services. But suddenly my timeline gets flooded with his pictures and check-ins at all our favourite places. And then this Facebook post IN WHICH HE TAGS MY FAMILY.
    (I'm trying to post screenshots but it won't upload?! And now I see he's deleted it. I'm on call so maybe later I can type it all out, if I het a breather.) EDIT 25/6: finally. Photos loading.
  8. Part 2: am I being unreasonable? Surely this is manipulative?
  9. Massive blowup this morning as I was getting ready for work. He basically asked me why I didn't wait for my upcoming psych admission before saying anything, because my getting my MDD under control would change my mind. I told him that's what I'd intended to do, but everything changed with the whole smoking/lying event.
    I hadn't shouted at him like today in years. And weirdly after I've calmed down I now feel even less like I have what it takes to leave him. But I don't have what it takes to stick with this relationship either. Urgggggh. A simple list of pros and cons doesn't work for this situation. Because the reason I'm really leaving is not concrete, not all the wrong he's done. It's simply that I think this relationship has run its course.
  10. Tomorrow I go for an elective psychiatry admission. In part because I'm not getting better and my psychiatrist thinks it will help (MY PSYCHIATRIST WANTS ME TO OPT FOR ADMISSION); in part because I hope it will help me figure out a little of what I want.
    And in part it's gonna be a good break from seeing him everyday...
  11. OMG I got a text from my parents: "we suspect things between you and C aren't going well. Please know that we are there for you, and we only want you to be happy. Please tell us if there is something we can do. These things are never nice. Please talk to us so we can know that you are really okay." Etc etc.
    It's really sweet of them. Makes me wish I had spoken to them before they figured it out themselves. But I've never been comfortable discussing this kind of thing with them. I messaged them to say that work is busy and thanks and I just don't feel like the relationship anymore. They seem supportive. I'm grateful. But I just wasn't ready to discuss this with them.
  12. Finally called my parents who, not being idiots, figured from his Facebook post that something was wrong. They surprised me by being really supportive.
    Their exact words were, "you've always liked your space. You've always pushed borders, redefined yourself. You've never been able to settle. And if you feel like you're being held down, you lash out. You HAVE to have space to figure this out, and you have to know that we just want you to be happy. We are not going to judge you for ending a seven year relationship if that is what you want." ❤️ I think I don't always give them the credit they deserve.
  13. 🙄 I honestly think this is one of the oldest tricks in the book (or at least, the 21st century chapter).
  14. I'm feeling more and more anxious about not ending this for good and I think it needs to happen soon. I wanted to wait for Saturday, but I actually think I shouldn't wait that long because I'm starting work again on Monday. I'm really nervous about it and I'm toying with the idea of doing it telephonically so that I can have control
    In terms of being able to hang up if he becomes unreasonable. I worry he might take Fawkes out of spite, but he probably won't.
  15. The sooner I end it probably the better for him too. It's his birthday 1 August and I don't want him to be sad on that day. But it's a shitty thing to happen right so there won't ever be a good time...
    Also I need to start looking for a flat-mate because I won't be able to afford the rent on my own. My savings can carry me for a bit but I'd rather not have to go into my savings.
  16. I'm starting to feel sadness. Just because I'm ending it doesn't mean I'm not experiencing a loss... but the feeling of loss does not mean I'm doing the wrong thing. Trying to remember that.
    I wished it would feel more right though.
  17. Conversation with my mom: "How are you coping without C?" ME: I'm fine, I'm happy actually. MOM: "I mean, how are you coping with cooking, cleaning, laundry, being alone at night?" ME: I'm fine. I'm actually cooking. I'm coping just fine.
    MOM: "I always knew you could."
  18. So I've just been packing his things and realised he might not be able to collect them tomorrow... he'll have to organise storage first (his mom's place is small), and since he's already paid his share of the rent this month, he would be totally justified in keeping his stuff here for the month.
    Which will help me in terms of not having to rush to buy A FREAKING FRIDGE immediately, but it just makes the whole thing more drawn out, and confusing, and ugggggh.
  19. I did it.
    I called him and he was in the shops. I asked him to call me when he was home. I didn't want to do it in person, but guess who arrived at my place 10 minutes later. And I told him. And his behaviour has not been atrocious. He's still here, and he's talking to me, and I wish he would just go.
  20. So Facebook is being kinda cute.
    He unfriended me so it won't be necessary, but anyways.
  21. He came with roses.
    Might as well enjoy them.
  22. Really wish he would accept and respect that I don't want breakup sex.
  23. Static
  24. I am a little sadder today.
  25. He packed up his cutlery and crockery today and I haven't bought any yet. So now I need to fix up something to eat with only a steak knife, cheese grater, and Tupperware as utensils. Thinking I could make grilled cheese in the microwave 🤔
  26. He's been fetching his things and for the most part I've been sleeping post-call, so I haven't needed to interact with him, but we just had an argument (which is so like him to pick a fight when I've been on my feet for 26 hours straight) and I'm a little hurt now.
    He said he hopes that my next boyfriend (or girlfriend) fucks my life up like I've done to him. He also said he doesn't believe that I could successfully specialise. And even though I know he said them out of anger he also said them with the intent to damage my where I am most vulnerable and that hurt.
  27. [CW] "You know you will have a major depressive episode again and I won't be there to catch you this time. You better tell the next person you date that you will probably end up killing yourself one day; and [everyone in his family who is a doctor] thinks so too."
    I was trying not to be affected by what he says but I am actually so shattered right now. That he could say something like that??
  28. And you know what, that's actually the biggest load of bull anyways! He did NOT catch me and he is not responsible for me still being alive and for me actually getting better. I did that, with support from my li.st friends and my few IRL friends and my psychiatrist and psychologist.
  29. I knew this was coming but it still twists up my insides.
    He also sent me a voice-note with him crying and it honestly makes me sad and want to hug him because I do care about him. And I know his remorse is genuine even if he is being manipulative.