For context, see here: MY PSYCHIATRIST WANTS ME TO OPT FOR ADMISSION our only restriction for cell phone use is not to use them during sessions, so I guess this is allowed.
  1. 7h00: finishing my 24-hour call. I go home to finish packing. Cuddle with my cat. Eat.
  2. 9h00: So. Tired. Nap for an hour. Wake up and sit in front of my heater (it's winter), fall asleep sitting up for another 30 minutes.
  3. 11h30: my friend who is taking me to the clinic arrives. I'm running late. Not even surprising.
    Also: pit of dread in my stomach.
  4. 12h05: arrive at the clinic. Lots of paperwork to do.
  5. 12h30 lunch time. Good beef pie. Awful tasteless veggies. I meet some people.
  6. 13h00: admission with the nurse. Blood pressure, medical history, all that fun stuff. She goes through my bags. I was so certain I'd packed well but she takes my foundation (glass bottle) and powder compact (mirror inside). I can ask to use them but then have to give them back again.
  7. 14h00: shown my room. The clinic is in an old Victorian-style house. Very well-kept. Nice beds too.
    I'm told my psychiatrist will be here soon. So I sit and read. I'm tired.
  8. 14h00: my psychiatrist arrives. We talk. I don't have much to say because I don't like being here. It's unfamiliar, guess that's it. I'm just suddenly feeling like this is a very bad idea.
  9. 15h15: unpacked my few things (not much when your expected stay is less than a week). I don't feel sick and I should be at work and I kind of hate myself. All I'm doing today is settling in. Groups end at 16h00 so it's pointless to join now.
    That's it for now. I'll update sporadically, probably at the end of each day. I do get that I need to engage in my surroundings if I want to try for this to work.
  10. The clinic is in a nice restored house but it still is a hospital. And I'm struggling to switch off my dr mode.
    And I'm really not looking forward to group therapy tomorrow. Omgggg. I'm trying to be open about it guys but...
  11. DAY 2: my dr doubled my nighttime dose last night. It knocked me; I could hardly get up this morning. Bless the sweet nursing student who came to wake us up.
    I did wake in the middle of the night from the cold though. Old houses have terrible insulation. I'm asking for an extra blanket tonight.
  12. My doctor came to see me at 08h00. I hadn't even had a chance to put on foundation because it's locked up. 🙄 we spoke a little but of no consequence really because we were interrupted by the phlebotomist. We're check my thyroid function, Vit D level, etc. Which I checked last year in December and I'm pretty sure it will be fine.
    She did compliment my clothing. I was wearing ripped jeans, sneakers, and a chunky sweater. Dunno what there was to compliment. 🤷🏼‍♀️
  13. DAY 2, Session 1: the persecutory man. First we write on sticky notes hurtful things said to us, and stick them to a large person-figure. Everyone takes turns to read all the notes, pick one, read it out loud, then tear it up. The only one I can think of is "stop acting so sad, many people are way worse off than you." I think nobody will pick it.
    It gets picked first. I get a little frog in my throat because I feel recognised. Then we write hurtful things we have said. The person figure is much bigger this time. The atmosphere is quite heavy. When we reflect, people feel angry, sad, etc. I don't. The point of the exercise is to think of how we can also hurt others, which honestly I think is just very clean-cut and shallow. Sorry. Not sorry.
  14. Tea time: there's a girl who's vomiting and stumbling around from her meds. I ask her what she's taking for the nausea and she says metoclopramide; not a great med for someone already on psych meds. I tell her to ask for ondansetron. Someone says "oh, you must be the one who's a doctor!"
    I feel stupid and walk away. She's not my patient. They're not my patients. I'm not at work. This is not my job. But honestly, they're all so YOUNG. I struggle to relate to them in any other way. I mean, part of relating is being able to share, isn't it. And from what I've seen, I just don't really want to share here. I don't think they'd understand. I don't expect them too. They all have a lot of shit to deal with already.
  15. Day 2, Session 2: Support group. Everyone goes around saying their name and what they're thinking about. I'm Meg and I'm thinking of work. I kind of miss it, I feel so unproductive. A lot of times I feel like I can relate. I want to share but a part of me is also obstinate. We're not supposed to give advice. Just share. And when I feel I relate to
    the kids who are worried about returning to uni, scared they'll fall back into isolating themselves, I want to say THAT'S WHAT I WAS LIKE AS A STUDENT TOO! But what I really want to say is, if I could do it so can you; and that's not what this group is about. Someone talks about being "strong", not feeling. I can relate to this (and I share because they say I haven't spoken). I haven't allowed myself to feel anything recently, and I think that it keeps me functional. 🤷🏼‍♀️
  16. We end session 2 by saying our name and what we're feeling. I'm Meg and I feel... and I sit quietly. And they wait. Did I not JUST tell them I haven't felt, I don't want to feel, because I'm scared of being uncontained? I bite my lip because it makes me look like I'm thinking, and maybe eventually move on.
    But suddenly I'm biting my lip because I'm trying not to cry "I'm Meg and I feel afraid." Stop. Move on. They're satisfied.
  17. DAY 2, Session 3: we are making gratitude boxes. Are you fucking kidding me?? I like being creative but please give me something more challenging to do?! 🙄 the outside is meant to represent us, and the inside is for writing down gratitudes. And I can come up with all sorts of metaphors and platitudes, and for what?
    I have a gratitude journal. I know that gratitude is an important tool. Can we move on?? I don't say any of this of course. I do know that this is an important activity. I just really am not finding it useful. Every hour here costs me very real money; I'd like to find it therapeutic. I know I sound juvenile, but I can't minimise my feeling on this session.
  18. Second tea break: I sit in the sun on a bench. A woman introduces herself to me. We start an easy conversation. Thank g-d, someone I can relate to. She's 35. We laugh at feeling old. She tells me how this is her 4th admission. She's trying to be friendlier but she really just checked in to get her meds optimised.
    We talk about work, children. She wants to know about volunteering opportunities at my hospital. We talk about how not wanting constant human contact is sometimes seen as dysfunctional, but humans are sometimes pretty shitty. We skirt on the edges of issues, and it's just-just comfortable. I tell her how I feel about the damned gratitude box. We laugh again. I realise I'm 10 mins late for feedback. She says "I'm so grateful I don't have to be grateful today! Tell them you're grateful it's over!"
  19. The final session is sharing about our boxes. In my safe way of defiance, I don't glue the flaps of my box, and say I'm not sure I want to BE a box. I'm not being difficult, just honest.
    After the session I go outside, hoping to find the new "friend". She's not there. Man! I can't go back to listening to gossip about tinder, grindr, parties. I'll rather reflect on the day. Also my uterus is showing the first hints of a wrestle match. Can I NOT get my period while here, please?!
  20. Day 2, evening. I spend some time filling out a questionnaire for the therapist that will be seeing me here. It's basically my whole life story, and I feel bitter about having to open up about it. Knowing I'm only here for a short while, I don't want to risk uncontaining myself.
  21. DAY 3, 8h30: my psychiatrist arrives to check in on me. I tell her honestly what I'm feeling. I feel MORE disconnected here than at home. I feel MORE irritable. I also don't really feel all the care she spoke about. I kind of feel like I'm pretty much left to my own devices in a foreign environment, and I'm not finding it therapeutic at all.
    We talk for a long time, and we come to the conclusion that I should go home, with the proviso that I will take an additional week off work. I don't fight her on this - maybe fighting her is what got me in this spot in the first place. I will also schedule my days such that I'm not moping around home. It's a fair deal.
  22. DAY 3, sessions 1-2: I attend these despite my pending discharge. It's about codependency and OH MY GAWD my whole life is blown open. I cannot believe I've never understood codependency before. Suddenly I understand myself and my relationships so much better.
    These sessions make these three days totally worthwhile. I'll delve into it more with my therapist, and maybe I'll actually be able to make headway with my freaking life.
  23. I'm trying really hard not to feel like I've been a disappointment or "failed" this admission. (Can you tell a lot about my personality from that statement?) it's not like I left AMA - it was a decision my dr and I made together. And I will be taking a long time off work. That's good right?