Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. I don't know if this is a trigger warning.
  2. Maybe
  3. "Maybe trigger warning"
  4. During my third year of medical school, we had psychiatry as a clinical theoretical rotation.
  5. We all self-diagnosed, of course. All med students do. Most of my classmates declared that they were dysthymic or cyclothymic. Some were brave enough to self-diagnose personality disorders.
  6. Nobody said anything about depression because we had been fed a lie by some senior students that medical students with depression or bipolar weren't allowed to graduate. (I'm still angry about that.)
  7. I became stuck in the child psych chapter.
  8. I realised that I, almost without a doubt, had had some form of childhood depression in earlier years.
  9. Childhood depression is supposedly harder for the layperson - and even doctors - to pick up on compared adult depression (which can be hard enough already) so I was looking for someone to blame but realised I couldn't even blame my parents.
  10. That moment had me sucked into a vortex of tainted memories.
  11. It had been a difficult year but I don't think anything "triggered" me. I just... Became engulfed.
  12. I stopped going to class. I slept all day, and when I couldn't sleep, I ate. Nothing with sustenance mind you. One night I ate raw pasta.
  13. It wasn't the first major depressive episode I had, but it was the first one where I fully understood what was going on with me.
  14. It was the first time I didn't think I was just "having a bad day", or that this was just "the price I had to pay for thinking so much."
  15. In earlier years I had self-harmed. This time I simply did not have the energy to do so. I stupidly thought that meant this episode wasn't "so bad"
  16. I didn't consider suicide because even that was too exhausting.
  17. But sometimes when I went to sleep I prayed not to wake up.
  18. Nothing happened.
  19. I mean, I didn't self-harm. I didn't purge.
  20. I just binged and slept and neglected basically every aspect of my life.
  21. And even though I had had many seemingly worse MDEs, this one stands out in my mind as my darkest.
  22. When I think back to it, it feels like my world was physically dark.
  23. (Maybe because in all that time - I don't even know how long it was - I probably never switched on the light?)
  24. But there is a positive turn to this story.
  25. At the time I served on our student government. And for some reason, attending our bi-weekly meetings was a task I kept up with.
  26. But I neglected my portfolio duties.
  27. And I stopped arguing during the meetings, even though I was always the one to argue principles during our meetings. The black hat, if you will.
  28. And I no longer adhered to the council dress-code. I'd arrive in my suit but without a blazer, or in jeans and a T-shirt and the blazer over it.
  29. I'm sure many noticed, but only one of the twelve came to me one night after a particularly long meeting, during which I had repeatedly fallen asleep.
  30. She was in my class, and during our first year we had been roommates.
  31. And she didn't ask what was wrong, she just hugged me and whispered, don't you think you should get some antidepressants?
  32. And I did, the very next day. I was quite lucky that the first ones prescribed for me seemed to do the trick. I didn't have to try a million different drugs.
  33. And it's not to say that it's been easy going since then, but it's never again been quite as dark.