THIS IS ME, NOT CRYING FOR HELP

  1. This is not a cry for help.
    But I am a crying mess.
  2. I don't want to die. I just wish I could be in a deep sleep til my brain is better.
  3. I'm so tired of depression. I've only been on my new dosage for two weeks so it's too early to expect a dramatic improvement but I'm feeling so impatient.
  4. I can't start psychotherapy now because I'm moving cities in two months and I don't want to go through the effort of building a therapeutic relationship only to leave.
  5. It's too short.
  6. But it also feels too long to cope without a therapist.
  7. I waited too long.
  8. The psych at work who helped two weeks ago is super nice but like she's also busy with her real patients and she's a psychiatrist not a therapist and it's not fair of me to need more than insight into my management, which was all I approached her for.
  9. I was supposed to chat to her today but I was post-call and she was still seeing her scheduled patients and I needed to get home and sleep.
  10. And yeah part of me felt a little abandoned and I wish it didn't.
    I hate how needy I can be and I do try to suppress that.
  11. It's not like she was going to alter my treatment. I just needed that safe space but again she's doing me a favour and there are some things she can't help me with.
  12. I've been trying to write more but it's ended up being a bad decision. I'm making things worse, not better.
  13. I have a lot of self-loathing.
  14. And a lot of insecurity.
  15. And my working hours aren't helping right now.
    In the past week I've worked 84 hours. That included two shifts of 30 consecutive hours.
  16. My brain:
  17. As a side note, Skype therapists aren't big in SA yet. And I don't know if I could do therapy the skype way anyway. Therapy is about a whole lot more than what can be conveyed through a camera and a speaker, I feel.
  18. If you've read this far:
  19. I'm not okay, but I'm okay.
  20. I'm not suicidal and I'm not a risk to myself or others.
  21. I'm just in a really dark place right now.
  22. And you're the only people I can tell.
  23. It's nearly 3PM here now and I haven't slept since yesterday morning so maybe a post-call nap will make me feel better.
  24. Thanks for reading, wherever you are.