THOUGHTS ABOUT RUINING MOTHER'S DAY LAST YEAR

  1. My mom is pretty awesome.
    Don't believe me? Read here: MOSTLY COOL THINGS ABOUT MY MOM
  2. So last year was my first Mother's Day home in six years.
    I had made all these big plans in the years before, about how I would make my mom feel wonderful and special when I was home again. Especially since I would finally be earning a salary.
  3. Except, two weeks before Mother's Day I had a needle-stick injury at work.
  4. I had to take triple therapy of ARVs because the contact patient was HIV-positive and had a high viral load.
  5. There is no real evidence of ARVs interacting with antidepressants but the high rates of depression in patients with HIV is well-studied.
    It's thought to be a combination of psycho-social factors, direct viral effects and drug-effects. But not much has been studied when it comes to people taking post-exposure prophylaxis.
  6. Anyway I'm pretty sure they interacted with my antidepressants all the same.
  7. I can't even describe what it felt like. Besides puking my guts out and having the runs daily, I was in such a bad place mentally.
  8. I had no motivation, no initiative, and what felt like complete anhedonia.
    (Did I seek help? No. I was too scared I'd be told to stop the ARVs before the four weeks were completed.)
  9. I knew Mother's Day was coming up. I knew it was important.
  10. I just... Didn't take any initiative to make plans.
  11. I guess I assumed my dad and little brother would come up with something.
  12. I probably should have checked with them but with getting up for work every day and bi-weekly call duties, that was beyond my energy-levels.
  13. I got her some chocolates the day before Mother's Day. Expensive chocolates but still the easiest option.
  14. And when I gave them to her the next day, I realised that my dad and brother hadn't gotten her anything.
  15. But now remember my dad is blind so he can't drive. My brother was 17 and in South Africa, legal driving age is 18.
    So they were reliant on me.
  16. We hadn't made reservations for a restaurant because the places my dad had suggested were vetoed by my mom.
    And I had been too out of it to come up with more ideas.
  17. The other thing about my mom is she pretends not to care.
  18. But by the end of the day she cried.
    I guess she had held out all day on the hope that we had planned something lovely. I mean we cooked for her but... It was a half-assed attempt and I was in bed all day.
  19. God, just thinking back to it makes me cry.
  20. I still cannot believe I fucked that up so badly.
  21. When we asked her if she would like reservations at a certain restaurant she even said, "Anything is better than last year. I had never felt so forgotten before."
    My mom bottles things in. So it must've been bad for her to bring it up nearly a year later.
  22. We have apologised. A lot. We treated her the whole of the next week to make up for it.
    But... Still.
  23. I've contemplated telling her just how deep my depression was that time.
    Because I wonder if she thinks I just didn't care?
  24. But if I tell her, I'm scared she really didn't realise and then feels sad that she didn't notice.
  25. I hate nothing more than making her sad.
  26. And the other half of me wonders if I wasn't just self-absorbed. That I fucked up so royally because I didn't try.
  27. I don't really remember much from that time, you know? It's all a haze now.
  28. My little sister is home for Mother's Day this year, which is wonderful.
  29. But I worry that my mom thinks the only reason this year is better is because my little sister cares. I want to redeem myself too.
  30. God. I think I'll never forget this.