THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE

Singletons, cohabitants, divorcees and wedded beaus - talk to me.
  1. My cousin got engaged a few weeks ago. This is the cousin whose mom was brutally murdered when she was just 15, and I'm so happy about her happiness.
    Isn't she amazing ❤️💜
  2. It had come to my attention that a there will be another engagement soon. (More on this when secrecy is no longer required.)
  3. I am happy for them, I am.
  4. (There is a but.)
  5. I do feel affected by the engagements.
  6. I am not jealous of their engagements. I love them and I wish them all the happiness in the world. I am EXCITED for them, and I can't WAIT for the weddings 👰!
  7. I'm the oldest cousin on this side of the family and I think everyone suspects that I'm upset because I "should have been first"?
  8. But actually I don't mind at all. From a practical point of view, the first cousin to get married is going to have to invite allll the relatives. And IF I get married, I want a small cozy reception. Not all the aunties and uncles who last saw me when I was in diapers...
  9. Also I am a little rebel at heart and I guess I kinda sorta like not following the expectations.
  10. In a way, my lack of being upset, upsets me?
  11. Once upon a time, I did dream about a beautiful wedding. I fantasised about the proposal. I was a real little romantic.
  12. Over time, I've changed.
    Possibly quite dramatically after recent events.
  13. What would be the point of ME getting married?
  14. You spend a lot of money and get a piece of paper and suddenly it's acceptable to have sex.
    And that's not a problem for me. I've been having sex for 10 years and I don't need permission from society to do so.
  15. It will just make my family happy because they insist on believing in my so-called purity. I'm guilty of perpetuating this myth. For their own health maybe.
  16. I don't intend to change my name and even though my boyfriend is supportive of that, marriage is just another reason for people to ask why I won't take on a man's name.
  17. And then when kids come into the picture, there's the issue of their last name.
  18. I don't think it's fair that I risk my life carrying a foetus for nine months, and then when it's born a man attaches his last name to it.
  19. I don't have a last name that would double-barrel nicely with anything.
  20. Most of all I envy how people can be so boundlessly happy when they get engaged and then married.
  21. Because I don't see myself reacting in that way at all. And society tells me I SHOULD. And even though I laugh in the face of societal expectations, it does make me feel defective.
  22. I want that joy.
  23. But I know myself: depression has become part of my wiring. And if I'm married, I'll blame the marriage for my depression. At least if I were alone, I'd have only myself to blame.
  24. If Boyfriend proposes, I'm not going to have that beautiful joyful expression. And what a disappointment it will be to him.
  25. I won't be a blushing bride, and what a disappointment it will be to wedding guests.
  26. So why even bother?