Parenting situations you just can't prepare for.

  1. The ol' poop in the bath.
    I guess it just relaxes them a lot?
  2. You'll use your sleeve to wipe your kid's snot.
    Multiple times.
  3. You will actually think to yourself "For the love of God kid! Stop being such an asshole!"
    ..and maybe say it under your breath.
  4. It is hard as shit!
    "Oh I just love every second with her" BULLSHIT
  5. You will forget an important day at school.
    Picture day, field trip, teacher appreciation day. Happens to the best of us.
  6. If you've got a dude, you know that little weiner can be a bitch.
    Circumcision blood, cleaning, stinking, little erections...and that's before they even discover it's there!
  7. If you've got a girlie, you know those little weiners can be a bitch.
    "Issac showed me his pee-pee at school today." (THAT SONOFABITCH!!!)
  8. Eating.
    -No you cannot have Mike and Ikes for breakfast. -It's not a big deal if your beans are touching your potatoes. -I can't get every tiny string off your cuties! -Ok, I will pre-string your string cheese. -Yay! Chicken nuggets! -get home- THEY FORGOT THE FUCKING SWEET AND SOUR! -Oh man, you dropped it? Any dog hair on it?? No? Ok you can eat it. -This one needs it's own list.
  9. You will clean plenty o' pee off furniture and the floor.
    Just as much as if you had a puppy.
  10. You will figure out your "puking through the night" routine. (And you will end up sleeping on some at some point)
    Towels under her, check. Extra stack of towels to change out, check. Extra blankets for when those get it, check. Pile of clean jammies, check. Bowl that they never make it to, check.
  11. Ahh...the end of the day mommy and daddy time...time to relax, watch a...fuck it I'm tired.
    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. <----and it's still not enough.
  12. You will totally get into their weird-ass kids shows.
    "How can it be raining on the Bubble Guppies? They live underwater." "Ok, The Man in the Yellow hat lives right by Central Park and owns a monkey but doesn't have a fucking job!?..trust fund baby." "Let's get going and fix it right, twist and turn, make it tight..." -This needs it's own list too.
  13. If your kid can't read yet, you will totally condense a storybook.
    Gotta think on your toes. (Hint: just say what the picture shows and they're never the wiser)
  14. You will see how much love your heart can actually hold.
    Turns out, it's a whole hell of a lot. Those damn kids, who drive you crazy SOMETIMES, fill your heart, soul, and life ALWAYS.