LISTS MY FAMILY WOULD MAKE ABOUT ME

Inspired by @tatertotfreak
  1. REASONS I THINK MY SON IS A MAN WHORE
    I haven't even slept with that many people, mom! (She actually called me this once. I don't think she knows what whore means)
  2. WAYS IN WHICH MY SON IS A FUCKIN LOSER
    My dad is one of those classic dads who likes to make fun of his son cause it's funny but he doesn't really mean it. I think.
  3. TIMES IAN HAS CORRECTED US TO SAY "WELL" INSTEAD OF "GOOD"
    Written by my sister and mom
  4. REASONS WE THINK OUR GRANDSON MAY BE GAY
    Never been in a "traditional" relationship with a girl, and I'd never bring a girl I was sleeping with around my conservative grandparents. So naturally this is the conclusion they probably draw. Whatever.
  5. SCHOLARSHIPS IAN HAD TO FORFEIT BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKIN DICK AND GOT PUT ON ACADEMIC PROBATION HIS FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE
    My b, fam. My b.
  6. OTHER CAREER PATHS WE WOULD HAVE LIKED IAN TO PURSUE
    Written by my mom and grandparents
  7. TIMES IAN CHANGED HIS MAJOR/DEGREE AT SCHOOL
    Subtitle: MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND
  8. CITIES IN EUROPE WE SHOULD TOTES MOVE TO TOGETHER
    Written by my cool-ass sister
  9. TIMES I STOLE THE DAILY CROSSWORD IN THE NEWSPAPER BEFORE IAN GOT HOME JUST TO SPITE HIM
    Damnit, mom.
  10. TIMES I ASKED IAN TO PAY FOR DINNER EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE'S BROKE AS SHIT
    Damnit, dad.
  11. ALL THE TIMES WE HAD TO MAKE A TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM BECAUSE OUR SON PARTIES TOO HARD
    Twice. The answer is twice.
  12. REASONS YOU CAN'T WEAR CONVERSE TO A FUNERAL
    Another one from mom.
  13. WHY DID GOD FORSAKE US AND GIVE US AN ULTRA-LIBERAL, ATHEIST GRANDSON?
    Another one from gram and gramps.
  14. WHY WON'T IAN JUST SETTLE DOWN WITH A NICE GIRL? WE THINK HE COULD/SHOULD SETTLE DOWN WITH THE FOLLOWING NICE GIRLS
    I'm fuckin TWENTY-FOUR. Gimme some time jeeez.
  15. SITUATIONS WE'VE BEEN IN WHERE IT WAS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR IAN TO BE PUBLICLY INTOXICATED
    Sorry, everyone.