RIDICULOUS THINGS I HAVE SAID TO STUDENTS LATELY

Remind me how I still have a job??? I work at a weird (read: awesome) school
  1. "I'm really bad at forgiveness"
    To the whole class
  2. "Sometimes I find myself having to prompt myself to ask other people questions like HOW SELF-CENTERED AM I THOUGH??"
    Again? To the whole class?
  3. "Watch out - I puked a lot this weekend and if you annoy me I'm sure I could summon some up to projectile vomit AT YOU"
    Real. I said it. Disclaimer: I had a stomach bug that kept me home on Monday.
  4. "THAT IS SO BALOGNA SANDWICHES"
    This is my way of saying BS without saying BS
  5. At one point today I literally just growled at a class
  6. "Did everything come out all right?"
    My fave question to ask kids when they come back from the bathroom. Because I'm a dad.
  7. "A little overly confident?? YOUR HEAD IS SO BIG THAT I FEEL LIKE IT TAKES UP THE WHOLE ROOM. NONE OF THE REST OF US CAN EVEN BREATHE." *makes gasping sound*
  8. "Aw poor white boy. Such white boy problems. Sad sad sad."
  9. "I love love love you"
    Thankful that I get to say this to kids - especially since most of them don't hear it too often.
  10. "If you compare grades I WILL give you a detention. I am so freakin serious right now."
  11. "Teaching you guys is like teaching fifteen separate brick walls and it is terrible."
    PULLING TEETH I TELL YA
  12. "Stop being such little punks I swear"
  13. "Don't be a mile wide and an inch deep....Oh yeah, what's the metric equivalent? Ugh I dunno I can't math"
    Trying to encourage them to commit to a couple things wholeheartedly rather than attempting everything and doing them poorly.
  14. "Taking four APs next year is literally the most idiotic idea."