Because I zone out when people talk to me, usually since I'm singing Hamilton in my head.
    When my mother asked who tore the very old, very sacred family tree parchment I was expressly told not to touch
  2. "John Aaaaaah-dams?"
    When my best friend asked me the last time I had hooked up with someone
  3. "I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love"
    To my sister's dog when I thought no one was watching and I wanted to practice my British singing accent, but actually everyone was watching
  4. "Ocean's rise, empire's fall"
    When my sister complained about feeling left out of family events
  5. "Take the bullets out yo gun! The bullets out yo gun!"
    In a room full of sports writers during the Greg Hardy press conference teleplay, right before he said he was going to come out guns blazing
  6. "Sit down John, you fat motherfucker"
    As my conservative uncle was preaching about how my writing career was embarrassing the family
  7. "Because I'm the oldest, and the wittiest, and the gossip in New York City is insidious"
    When someone asked me what working at Gawker was like
  8. "He was right, you'll never be satisfied"
    Last night, in bed, accidentally