COMMON BAR REGULARS AS TOLD BY RACCOONS.

I bartend at a college bar. I meet a lot of people, but raccoons are cuter than they are. These are their stories.
  1. The lonely girl that obvs got stood up but is tryna play it cool so she's all like, "Do you guys have spiked milkshakes?"
  2. The grown ass man that walks around calling every girl beautiful until literally 47 girls have come to the bar to ask ME to ask HIM to quit being the worst.
  3. The freshman when you finally give them water.
  4. That drunk girl trying to love you tender and your gay ass is just wondering what on God's name you did to deserve this.
  5. Brunch pals. Mimosas for days.
  6. That little weird guy named Bobby or Sam or something (who is like, 5'5") when he finally pushes his way to the bar.
  7. The birthday girl.
  8. The guy who lost an NFL playoff bet and his friends made him shave his beard.
  9. That guy keeps asking to take shots with you, you hand him the bill, and out of nowhere his brain turns into oatmeal and he forgets that math is a real life thing.
  10. The DD who keeps apologizing to you because his/her friends are human garbage.
  11. Stacy at the end of the bar who somehow always gets drinks spilled on her.
  12. Your friends when they show up and the creatures of the night are still taking up all the bar stools.
  13. The boys the came in late and try to tip you in coins.
  14. That monster girl who thought she could ghost on that tab but forgot she left you her credit card and you live that 25% auto-grat life.
  15. And finally, the middle-aged woman thats been drinking double vodka sodas since 5pm and verbally reminds you that "you are better than this".