WAYS TO FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU WAKE UP FEELING SAD AND SORRY FOR YOURSELF

  1. Go for a walk. Find a vantage point above everything and see the world go about its business from afar.
  2. Make some fresh-brewed coffee, open your kitchen window, and watch the trees gently swaying in the wind. Try not to worry about the old redwood that you quietly think is far too close to the house.
  3. Think about calling some friends, until your low self esteem pulls you back in and you remember that probably nobody wants to hang out with you. Abort that and spend half an hour watching movie trailers on your Apple TV instead.
  4. Make a three egg scramble with a whole bunch of spinach that needs to be eaten. Sit and eat it, grimacing.
  5. Lie in bed and stare at your ceiling, remembering every cringeworthy thing you've ever said.
  6. Remember that this isn't how you start to feel better.
  7. Go for a second walk. Do it with feeling this time - up the pace. You don't have any money, but retail therapy would do just the trick right now. Instead, wander a bookstore, nodding safely at back cover blurbs.
  8. Treat yourself to something awful, like onion rings.
  9. Remember that you hate yourself for being fat, and abandon half the onion rings.
  10. Phone your parents so you can have a conversation with a human.
  11. Wonder about going to see a movie, but honestly, that seems like an absurd luxury. There are plenty of free movies on Netflix.
  12. Wander home and instantly see what a fool you've been. There are no good movies on Netflix. Wonder about going back out to the movies, but c'mon. You're home now.
  13. Kill an hour eating tater tots and looking at all your friends' pictures on Facebook. Beautiful children, exciting holidays, wonderful new partners, well-decorated homes. Smile because they're happy.
  14. Pour a glass of gin. Just a small one. Neat.
  15. Watch something randomly on Hulu that was worse than any of the movies you decided not to watch on Netflix.
  16. Stay up later than you should reading about peoples' lives on social media.
  17. Go to sleep, looking forward to a beautiful new day tomorrow. Tomorrow will be different.