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  1. "as smooth as a baby's bosom"
  2. "Graham crackers are another thing I like to eat stale."
  3. "You haven't noticed that the sink smells like farts?"
  4. "I've peed myself more times than I'm willing to admit."
  1. I regularly eat food off the floor
    despite the well-documented mouse problem in my apartment
  2. When I was little I used to hold (purely personal) competitions to see how long I could go without peeing and now I have the bladder of a warrior
    Proof that being a giant weirdo has its perks
  3. I am a fat cat enthusiast
2 more...
An arbitrary and always growing list of strangers I immediately and permanently distrust.
  1. wears transition glasses
  2. is named Greg
  3. wants Donald Trump to be their president
  4. feels passionately about any show on the history channel