1. Told kids they could skip brushing teeth because I was in a hurry to watch tv and drink wine
  2. Kid found a gummy worm under the couch and ate it. I shrugged.
  3. 4 year old couldn't find favorite stuffed animal and said, "Damn it!" using my exact intonation.
    Kid's first cuss word is my favorite milestone.
  4. Promised not to eat kids' candy. Ate it.
    I replaced it, though. I'm not a monster.
  5. Got annoyed at kid for being a whiner. Turned out she was sick.
    This happens nearly every time they get sick. It's like the Universe is reminding me to be a kind, understanding person.
  6. Secretly threw away toys that made annoying sounds.
  7. Toddler licked airport floor because it was shiny. Took a picture before telling her to stop.
  8. Threw out artwork sent home from preschool without even looking at it.
    This kid draws so many damned pictures, and they're all pictures of cats. She is going to bury this house in cat pictures. It was probably more cat pictures. But there's that little niggling feeling that I should have at least looked at it.
  9. Number of teeth my daughter has lost: 6 Number of times the tooth fairy has forgotten to come: 3
    The tooth fairy had a busy night. She couldn't make it. She'll come to our house first tonight.