MY LI.ST WILL AND TESTAMENT
Not that I'm going anywhere. I'm not. But if I were, I would hereby bequeath:
- •The keys to Macy's to Jo-Anne Fabrics, @joannfabricsSo you could do for them what you've done for Jo-Anne Fabrics, which is actually make me want to set foot in the place after ten years.
- •Twenty pounds of bacon to Pete Moore, @PeteOnEarthBecause everyone knows the antidote to sadness in a white dude is bacon
- •A personal entomologist to C Couture, @marginally_amazingWasps obliterated and prevented from creating Wasptropolis in your bathroom forever
- •A $20 FreshDirect.com gift card to Kira and Lulu, @kiraandluluBecause I really want to buy you this octopus so you'll list about him.
- •A shit-ton of clementines to Amie, @amieshmamieBecause shit-ton is my favorite measurement, too.
- •Lifetime subscriptions to People and Vogue to Julia, @readjuliaSo she can bottom line them with the same hilarity she brings to Us Weekly.
- •All the Genie things in the world to Jill, @justjillsBecause Genie is Robin Williams forever.
- •This Rockabye Baby album to Nicholas, @NicholasBecause I never ever in a million eternities could have imagined this without you.
- •And eighty-three and a half million dollars to split among the rest of you.I trust you all to do it equitably.