MY LI.ST WILL AND TESTAMENT

Not that I'm going anywhere. I'm not. But if I were, I would hereby bequeath:
  1. The keys to Macy's to Jo-Anne Fabrics, @joannfabrics
    So you could do for them what you've done for Jo-Anne Fabrics, which is actually make me want to set foot in the place after ten years.
  2. Twenty pounds of bacon to Pete Moore, @PeteOnEarth
    Because everyone knows the antidote to sadness in a white dude is bacon
  3. A personal entomologist to C Couture, @marginally_amazing
    Wasps obliterated and prevented from creating Wasptropolis in your bathroom forever
  4. A $20 FreshDirect.com gift card to Kira and Lulu, @kiraandlulu
    Because I really want to buy you this octopus so you'll list about him.
  5. A shit-ton of clementines to Amie, @amieshmamie
    Because shit-ton is my favorite measurement, too.
  6. Lifetime subscriptions to People and Vogue to Julia, @readjulia
    So she can bottom line them with the same hilarity she brings to Us Weekly.
  7. All the Genie things in the world to Jill, @justjills
    Because Genie is Robin Williams forever.
  8. This Rockabye Baby album to Nicholas, @Nicholas
    Because I never ever in a million eternities could have imagined this without you.
  9. And eighty-three and a half million dollars to split among the rest of you.
    I trust you all to do it equitably.