Reasons You Need to Just Forget That Friends Reunion Movie

  1. Ross and Rachel are married, but . . .
    Ben is a member of an ultra-evangelical religious sect that believes dinosaurs existed with humans. Emma, at twelve, is rebelling by wearing worn, discarded men's clothing. Rachel is taking business trips to Paris monthly and Ross is starting to wonder if they're on a break.
  2. Joey's acting career languished until he became the international spokesman for Viagra. His ex-wives include two lesser known supermodels and Wendy Williams, who stole and recycled his trademark "How you doin'?" after their divorce. Alimony takes 80% of his Viagra paycheck.
  3. Chandler and Monica's twins were two years old when Monica found, after gaining twenty pounds, that she was pregnant. Their infertility problems ended then and they now have six children. Monica's cumulative weight gain makes old footage of "Fat Monica" look slim. Chandler long ago gave up coffee for Absolut.
  4. Phoebe and Mike are running the New York campaign for Bernie Sanders. They live in an abandoned warehouse with seventeen cats.