THINGS I'D LIKE TO FORGET

  1. The time a Praying Mantis latched itself onto my nostril.
    I was just trying to walk to the bus stop. Death grip nostril beast had other plans.
  2. The time I accidentally shoved a q-tip really far into my ear.
    I was like, "RELAX, this happened to Lena Dunham in season one of Girls!"
  3. The time my guitar teacher asked me if I had a learning disability.
    Nope! But I guess I need to find a new hobby!
  4. The time I exclaimed, "Wow, that's an ugly car!" (Only to realize that said car's owner was standing right behind me.)
    My sincerest apologies, ma'am.
  5. The time a Dunkin' Donuts employee walked in on me *peeing.
    *preparing to pee. (Shorts around ankles. Hands tangled hopelessly in disposable toilet seat cover.)
  6. The time I microwaved an entire loaf of wonder bread.
    Plastic & twist tie too! (Not an experiment, I just really had no idea.)
  7. The time I was attacked by a flock of evil seagulls at the Jersey Shore.
    They wanted my french fries, but so did I.
  8. The time I mistakenly referred to a TSA officer as a 'security guard' in the customs line at JFK.
    BIG MISTAKE.