All The Cell Phones I Have Owned

Do y'all young whippersnappers know what life was like in olden times when that shit was connected to the wall??
  1. Prologue: In 1998/99 I lived in Portugal, and when I came back to the states my family had cell phones and it was like they had been replaced by aliens from the future. I think a grand total of one of my high school classmates had one.
    I saw no need to join the club & kept one of those translucent 90s phones and an answering machine in my dorm room.
  2. 2003 - My first cell phone. I was a senior in college and only got a phone because Andrew W.K. was doing a promotion for his 2nd album, where if you pre-ordered it, he would personally call you to say thanks.
    So obviously I carried it to class turned on all the time. The call came when I was in NYC celebrating my birthday (with my childhood best friend who I had just found on Friendster) and it was the greatest.
  3. Here is a photo (shot on film) of that conversation taking place.
  4. 2004 - As my first phone contract ended, I ditched it and got this flip phone on my parents' family plan.
    There was a glitch in our service that wasn't supposed to exist, by which I plugged this phone into my desktop computer and successfully used it to have free (albeit slow) internet access for two years.
  5. 2007 - I tried living in Chicago for a bit (it was one giant disaster) and wanted a sassy new phone and a 773 number to mark the occasion.
    My ringtone was the theme from The Office, which brought little moments of joy to those three shitty months.
  6. The only cool person I called on this phone was Jon Langford of the Mekons.
  7. 2008 - I got a phone that looked pretty fancy but was mostly garbage. I replaced it once after accidentally drowning it in lemonade in my purse.
    I also sobbed into it for many hours about the narcissistic sociopath to whom I was married and little voices came through those cell waves (tubes?) and rescued me, phew!
  8. 2010 - I asked the dude at the phone store for the dumbest phone they had which counted as a smartphone, so I could hook up a credit card reader and make that 💰💰💰.
    He drew me a nice list of pros and cons for Androids vs. iPhones and the only thing in the "pro" column for iPhone was "sexy" so I got a Droid.
  9. 2014 - Verizon sent me a coupon in the mail that said I could get a free iPhone, and I needed a new phone anyway, so whatever.
    Now I have this comically small phone.
  10. To make it easier to find and hold onto, I put it inside a big fat silicone Totoro.
    And there it remains.
  11. I would have been shocked if you told pre-cell phone me, working on a photography degree, that my phone is now my primary tool for taking pictures.
    But it's cool coz I hate talking on the phone so I'm glad it's useful for other things.
  12. Technology!!
    It's weird, dude.
  13. xoxo, Betty Turbo