All The Jobs I Have Had

In chronological order
  1. Button Sewer
    As soon as I learned how to sew buttons in preschool, my dad "let" me fix all his shirts. I was usually paid in Skittles.
  2. Quencher of Sidewalk Thirst
    A Dixie cup of lukewarm Tang! Only 25 cents. Accidentally "took candy from strangers" as payment once. It was a big bag of caramels from an old lady but we were too scared to eat them.
  3. Fair Vendor of Homemade Jewelry and Clothing
    Started with fimo & "friendly plastic" creations at age 12, did the same hippie fair every summer til I was 17 and sewing dresses out of vintage fabric to fund my year abroad.
  4. Babysitter
    Usually for my teachers' kids, but most memorably for some kids on my block, with whom I created a call-in "radio" show about ghosts that we'd record spontaneously whenever we hung out.
  5. Independent Book & Record Store Clerk
    Like Empire Records + High Fidelity but with a more diverse cast. Storytelling goldmine that will need a list of its own.
  6. Salad Bitch
    First on-campus job in one of my college's cafes. Rich kids too cool for on-campus jobs were SO fucking mean to me while I made their dang salads, I cried every day and quit after a week.
  7. Risk Management Office Assistant
    A delightful interlude filing incident reports where I got to learn whose underwear had been stolen and who was throwing microwaves out their dorm windows. And they let me use their copy machine to make zines during lunch!
  8. Teacher's Assistant
    Working for a fave professor making copies and ordering slides, and occasionally being suckered into going to her house to organize her personal library.
  9. Shitty Roadside Motel Housekeeper
    I was living in a fairly remote area with limited options and no car... Total nastiness.
  10. Letterpress Designer/Printer (the awesome time)
    Three years of show poster radness and making an inky mess and having wacky celebrity encounters and dealing with bizarre tourists.
  11. Letterpress Printer (the disastrous time)
    After I recovered from getting my hand smashed in machinery my first week on the job, I had to bail because the lack of ventilation for their toxic chemicals was giving me puking migraines every day.
  12. Wedding Invitation Production Assistant
    A short stint facilitating prissy and boring designs, where I was told to wear long sleeves every day so nobody would be scandalized by my tattooed arms affixing the Swarovski crystals to their stationery with tweezers.
  13. Cake Decorator
    Goofy and fun to play with dessert all day long, but also a bit of an asspain due to the corporate culture. Wrote secret messages inside the cakes of rude customers.
  14. Full Time Weirdo Artist
    I feel very lucky this is my job. It's crazy scary sometimes but the joy and satisfaction part makes it all worth it.