These are all true facts. I have checked them.
  1. Goldfish do cocaine in their spare time
  2. 18 gorillas could probably take on Donkey Kong
    If they can jump over barrels
  3. Alcohol has small robots in it that gather secret information from your brain
  4. Nobody loves you
  5. Someday we will all die
  6. If Sonic the Hedgehog were real, he would have beat Ronald Reagan in the 1980 election
  7. Frying pans don't sleep
  8. People from Miami have no souls
  9. The Jolly Green Giant robbed eight banks before getting caught on a highway in Tulsa
  10. Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer
  11. Lightbulbs were invented because Thomas Edison wanted an apple that glowed and could be screwed into the ceiling
  12. The Bermuda Triangle is just misunderstood
  13. Four cows could beat up three snails
  14. No matter where you are on earth, your life doesn't matter
  15. Bart Simpson has jaundice