Most Shameful Things I Did on Social Media This Year

  1. 1.
    Swiped right on a Vine Star
    Oh god, we're starting here?
  2. 2.
    Used Twitter polls to quote a Method Man verse from the Nutty Professor 2 soundtrack
    I had so much fun but knew it was really annoying. When I saw fourteen people had voted, I almost cried.
  3. 3.
    Sub-Instagrammed a girl I like who had hurt my feelings with a picture of The Thing getting blasted by Galactus
    She heard me out eventually, but didn't really care why Franklin Richards was controlling said Galactus.
  4. 4.
    Became an open sore of a human being on Twitter after getting dumped
    I gave her seven years of my love and she gave me six years of her patience. It wasn't a bad deal. I was also getting real help at the time, I could have taken it down a notch.
  5. 5.
    Went on Periscope for the specific purpose of crying to a particular Wu-Tang song
    I did this three times. I had been doing it a lot privately, and I was sick of feeling alone and ashamed. I guess it worked because I stopped doing it.
  6. 6.
    Posted a picture from inside a girl's room after waking up there
    I'm new to dating, and I don't know how to talk about it in ways that respect the woman I'm involved with and myself. This accomplished neither.
  7. 7.
    Promoted my book for months without really posting any original thoughts or jokes
    I've seen successful people do this, and I hate it. Oh, The Flesh You Will Eat! Is available on Amazon and Devastatorpress.com.
  8. 8.
    Introduced myself by my Twitter name in person
    To be fair, the person I met would have to sort through all the Mikes they knew otherwise, but still - yeesh
  9. 9.
    Asked a girl out via DM
    Turns out she actually lives in Arizona, but her location said "The Western Front," which I assumed was pretentious talk for Los Angeles
  10. 10.
    Posted a picture of myself shirtless on the beach in a Tinder Moment
    Remember Tinder moments? My body's nothing to swipe home about, I'm surprised I didn't get my account deleted.
  11. 11.
    Wrote an open love letter to "Girls Who Are Or Look Like They Could Be Named Rachel."
    I had a Rachel or two in mind, but who does that? And can I be ashamed of them instead?
  12. 12.
    Tried to get myself on a sex-talking podcast so I could face my fears and talk openly about some of my kinks
    I got on, and it went great. Turns out nobody cares. That was kind of refreshing.
  13. 13.
    Joined Instagram as a marketing decision to present myself as dateable
    Wow, looks like pretty much all of these deal with wanting to be liked by women. It's led me to some weird places, but I'm not ashamed of the need itself. So go fuck yourself, shame. I'm trying so hard to get rid of you.