Alma Wahlberg's Favorite Children
If you watch Walhburgers on A&E as much as I do (which I doubt) you will know that a relatively contrived running plot line is the mystery as to which child is the favorite of matriarch Alma. Note: I do not need or expect most people to care about this list.
- 1.Donnie WahlbergThis is beyond obvious and not even close. Donnie completely changed their lives as a teenager when NKOTB suddenly hit, raising the family of eleven from working class to wealthy overnight; he bought her a new house. Alma's is-this-really-happening expression when Donnie enters a room or even calls on the phone betrays how star stuck she is by him, and how her normally flawless bullshit meter is unable to register his cheeseball tendencies.
- 2.Brother #4This is how Bob Wahlberg is identified on the show, because he is not a regular cast member, making only occasional appearances. When he does, he projects a genuine, straightforward integrity that Alma clearly respects.
- 3.Paul WahlbergThere is something gently pathetic about how Paul is portrayed on Walhburgers. His doughy, shapeless face and physique register in cruel contrast to the fate of his brothers, and his late in life and suspiciously convenient revelation that his lifelong dream was to open a hamburger restaurant seems engineered by outsiders. Alma shows him extra tenderness and mercy.
- 4.Mark WahlbergMark's outsized accomplishments are hilariously lost on Alma, who loves him fine, but still clearly sees him as riding Donnie's coat tails and most likely a flash in the pan. Alma's deepest opinions were formed decades ago, and she still sees Mark as a white rapper hanging out with "the funky bunch," modeling underpants on billboards, and exposing himself in weirdo movies like Boogie Nights. This lack of her "getting it" about him is likely a root cause of his continuing competitiveness.