Inspired by the list by @lenadunham
  1. I am owner of a storied American sports franchise. I am in my 60s, wide-bodied and comfortable. I wear a lot of expensive khakis and blue Brioni blazers. I am patriarch of a large extended family to whom the team means a great deal.
    I live with a troublingly loud hum of cognitive dissonance: more than anyone, my life is the team; but more than anyone, I understand that deep down, the team is just a business like any other. To quiet this inner tension, I drink.
  2. I am a dancehall reggae musician in Jamaica. I am lean and popular. My music makes me brave.
    I generate a lot of excitement because I clearly have the talent to cross over and become an international star. My secret is that I don't want to. I am happy here. But I project that ambition anyway, because I know the fire is part of my appeal, and I live to entertain.
  3. I am the legendary and controversial provocateur professor on the faculty of a small, idyllic liberal arts college.
    My secret is that I'm full of shit, and that I long ago gave up on the courage to try to persuade people to come around on the points of view that once mattered to me. Now I'm just playing out my shtick, an irrelevant side show. But in my private life I'm very happy and kind.
  4. I work at Wahlburgers in Quincy, Massachusetts.
    Every day, I go to work thinking it might be the day I meet Mark Wahlberg. I never do. But I always might, and I find that cool too.