REASONS BANK OF AMERICA SHOULD KNOW DAMN WELL THAT I AM NOT READY TO BUY A HOME

Bank of America recently sent me an email with the subject line “Ready to buy a home?” Rude. They must be mocking me because they have access to all the information they would need to reach the obvious conclusion that I don’t have my shit together nearly enough to consider buying a home.
  1. It took me five months to cancel an auto-renewing $7 monthly subscription to the New York Times Crossword app. A one-year subscription costs $40.
  2. During a four-night stay in Vegas, my debit card was used three times at Panda Express.
  3. Waaaay too many single-ticket purchases at Arclight.
  4. Let’s just say my ratio of fast food purchases to grocery store purchases is troubling.
  5. That monthly electric bill? Yeah, I managed to rack that up in a studio apartment. Imagine what I would do to the planet with a whole house.
  6. To be fair, they have no way of knowing that I haven’t cracked a single issue from my Wired subscription. But the fact that I have a Sports Illustrated subscription at all can’t be a good sign.
  7. There’s definitely a charge for GameFly in calendar year 2015.
  8. I have spent a grand total of $10.33 at Home Depot in the last 12 months.
  9. Seriously, they’ve seen my paychecks.