Reasons Why Jacob Is the Worst

  1. He tried to tell me girls peed out of their vaginas and sent me several stock photo diagrams when I argued with him
  2. He once asked me if he could orgasm by eating cookie dough
  3. He dated both Tony AND Conner
  4. Do we all remember the butt hair of 2013?
  5. I'm pretty sure he actually shipped me and Carm
  6. but he doesn't like Owen??????
  7. although he is good with polysyndeton
    "that's disgusting and I want to die also what the hell and additionally what the fuck also ew"
  8. He likes Rebel Wilson way more than one human being should
  9. He divorced me for a Russian lesbian
  10. He has literally shed tears over how nice people's butts are
    I'm sorry but butts just aren't that great
  11. He could seriously propose to Miss Rozansky and I wouldn't be surprised
    Actually I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet
  12. he was obsessed with Chex Mix for a solid year and a half
    I'm not sure if he still likes it but he used to spasm every time someone mentioned it
  13. and finally he hasn't fallen in love with either of us yet like?????? how