13 Things We Learned About 'Harry Potter and the Cursed Child' This Week

So many crazy big reveals! Let's walk through them!
  1. 1.
    There will be live owls on stage.
    No joke. Real. Owls. And let's think about this... I can't think of any other owls in Harry Potter besides Hedwig... Does that mean Hedwig's coming back!?!?
  2. 2.
    Daniel Radcliffe will not be reprising his role as Harry Potter.
    Instead, he will be taking over Dame Maggie Snith's role as Professor McGonagall.
  3. 3.
    Hagrid will be played by three kids stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat.
  4. 4.
    It will focus primarily on Dumbledore and Lemon Drops.
    Lemon Drops being, of course, the name of not only his favorite candy, but his favorite Gay Club. Deluminate THAT, bitch!
  5. 5.
    Frodo will have to return to Mordor.
    Who knows why yet? All we know is we hope Gollum didn't survive that fall...
  6. 6.
    Voldemort got a nose job.
  7. 7.
    It will feature a boy stuck in a nest with wings.
    What? I mean it's true apparently.
  8. 8.
    Hedwig is coming back... But as the internationally ignored, genderqueer, East-German rock artist.
  9. 9.
    It won't recoup it's initial investment and will close in 4 months.
    I have no idea why they've already announced this. It seems sort of premature--let alone unambitious--to say they won't make their money back and set a date for failure, but they did.
  10. 10.
    It will transfer to America, but only to a small regional theatre in New Hampshire.
    They just feel bad cause the producers don't feel New Hampshire has anything special yet. They should be included.
  11. 11.
    The audience will be turned into newts... But they'll get better.
    What with all the witches bound to be in the show, wasn't this one inevitable?
  12. 12.
    There will be an entire new score written entirely composed of old slave hymns.
    I thought this one was a little offensive honestly, but whatever works.
  13. 13.
    They will find the eighth Horcrux.... the clitoris.