5 WAZE TO IMPROVE WAYS. I MEAN

  1. 1.
    Cut out all that cartoon shit.
    Seriously, wtf is going on? There’re marshmallow ghosts everywhere. Is this my phone or Nintendo DS? Just get me home.
  2. 2.
    Figure out which direction my car is parked (or at least let me input it).
    9 out of 10 times, Waze wrongly predicts which direction I’m starting off in (that’s 10% or an F-). By the time it re-calibrates, I’m stuck in an underground tunnel without a U-turn for three counties. Adjusting arrival time...
  3. 3.
    Don't ask me to lie.
    We both know I’m not the “Passenger.”
  4. 4.
    Opt out of Frogger Mode.
    You know, where Waze nudges you into two-way suicide deathmatches on your way to the dry cleaners. Hollywood, you feel me.
  5. 5.
    Opt into Chill Mode.
    Have you ever clicked on alternate routes and discovered there’s another path to your destination that may add a couple minutes, but takes you in a straight line? Instead of A to X to third oak tree to Torrance to B. The number of minutes you save is directly correlated to years of life lost to stress and near-death.
  6. 6.
    This is a total aside but...
    what about a TV show about how Waze is gentrifying obscure, best-kept-secret neighborhoods? So many Beverly Hills pockets I never knew existed! How bummed are all those quiet families in West Adams now, waking up to a caravan of SUVs on their way downtown. I basically have to parachute home now over all the Venice traffic cutting through my hood.
  7. 7.
    Overall though...
    I rate Waze 5 out of 5 stars. That’s 100% or an A+.