➕ A TO ZZZ ➕ SLEEP TIPS AND TECHNIQUES

I’ve had sleep problems my entire life. I average 4-5 hours of broken Z's a night, and at least once a week, I'll never fall asleep. These are all the sleep tips I've aggregated over the years (and my rebuttals). Hopefully they work for you. As for me, I'm open to new suggestions. // (Note: I rarely have trouble falling asleep. It’s staying asleep)
  1. Keep a consistent bedtime.
    Try to hit the pillows before 11pm every night and awake with the sun; this locks in with your natural rhythms. It’s a sunlight + hormonal thing. (I have vampire children, so, this is like, mandatory)
  2. Caffeine free
    If you do drink coffee, stick to 1-2 cups tops, but no more cups after noon (Because of past dependencies, I don’t drink any caffeine, although I’ll F the S outta some chocolate).
  3. Turn off your phone.
    The backlit screens on your phone and laptop confuse your brain into thinking it’s daytime. So, don't look at a screen for the 30 minutes leading up to bedtime. This is impossible because Life. I mean, what’s so bad about screens anyways. Didn’t we have the TV before Internet? (Anyways, I do follow this rule, as difficult as it sounds, and play with my abacus).
  4. Don't read in bed
    Have a designated space away from the bedroom where you can comfortably read at night. It’s important to designate your bed as a place to fall asleep and sometimes sex if you’re into that sorta thing. (Ever since I joined List, I stopped reading books anyways).
  5. Dark environment
    Like Craig says in Friday, the blacker, the better. (The thoughts that rifle through my brain as I lie awake at 4am, I’ll show you a "dark environment").
  6. Meditate.
    Sleep issues almost always boil down to stress or anxiety. Meditation helps you learn how to breathe and calm the mind. (Headspace junkie over here. Sleeps like a heroin junkie).
  7. Don't nap.
    (GTFOH)
  8. Stay active.
    Wear your body out with regular exercise. (I surf every morning. I also watch a lot of fight videos on WorldStar, which really takes a lot out of me).
  9. Sex.
    Insert penis into vagina with great vigor and enthusiasm. (This is my favorite sleep tip, but has proven just as ineffective. Let me try one more time).
  10. The 4-7-8 Breath technique.
    This strategy's been going viral this month. It’s Dr. Weil’s breathing technique that guarantees falling asleep in 60 seconds: http://bit.ly/1cfv87T . Press your tongue against the back of your two front teeth, breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 7, then exhale for 8 seconds. Repeat. (Wait, how do you exhale 4 seconds’ worth of air for 8 seconds?! That doesn’t even make sense. This works for me almost never).
  11. Melatonin (or some Whole Foods herbal sleep aid of the week)
    It’s safe, it’s natural, and it’ll knock you out mid-senten (...Not I, said the little billy goat. I pop Ambiens like Tic-Tacs. This is scary, but I’ll flip entire Xanax bars. Nada.)
  12. Die.
    💀