A TOUR OF MY OFFICE, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

  1. We are located in Vernon, California
    the fictitious setting (“Vinci”) for this season's’ True Detective. It really is as corrupt as the show makes it out to be. There are only 60 residents in this city, so you can imagine... Banksy’s studio is by us, as well as the Tapatio factory, Guess, and BCBG.
  2. Vernon is also known for
    the Farmer John slaughterhouse. The one that makes your Dodger dogs. The one that John Travolta breaks into to steal pig’s blood and dump on Carrie. The size of a city block, it’s wrapped in an idyllic mural depicting farmers and pigs happily coexisting. The painting has been ongoing since the ‘60s, worked on by four sets of artists who have died mysteriously in the process (!?!).
  3. But. Dude.
    They wheel in truckloads of hairy boars on 18-wheelers every morning. These aren’t pigs, they’re genetic freaks the size of Priuses and with human eyeballs. They shoot them between the eyes with a spear gun; estimates are that thousands of pigs are massacred daily within these walls, and the employee turnover rate is one of the highest in the county.
  4. Which is why
    I drove over the day we moved in and hired the current painters (they're still working on it!) to recreate the Farmer John mural on our building. But this time, the pigs exact revenge on the farmers. Animal activist groups heard about it and praised us. Then, they staged protests because we weren’t vegan (?!?). Farmer John’s CEO came over to look and it and loved it.
  5. Anyways
    Our building used to be the original Smart & Final warehouse. There is a helipad on the roof because the commute is so bad (SO BAD) back to the Westside that he learned how to fly a helicopter to escape traffic. When we moved in, I found a long, narrow mirrored table with a couple razor blades on it by the door to the helipad. Homeboy was taking some wild rides in his heyday…(artwork by Aaron Kai in 4 days, freehand!)
  6. This is the main office.
    Design. Sales. Marketing. Finance. Loners. Rebels. Giant stuffed pickles that I may have impulse-bought on the corner in a firesale.
  7. This is all the original art we've amassed from artist collaborations
    Most notably, original Garbage Pail Kids art of us!
  8. This is the video room in the editorial department
    Johnny (blur in the middle) became an accidental movie star today. Long story. That's what most of our days are like here. Long, crazy stories that are unbelievable in any other context.
  9. These are the arcade machines in the dining hall
  10. This is the print shop where we make all our T-shirts and sweatshirts
    As well as many of our direct competitors. If you can't beat 'em, screenprint their softgoods is what I always say.
  11. This is our exhausted customer service department.
    They are the hardest working bunch, especially after our sale last week and the new Fall line dropping today. I appreciate them immensely. I have the best staff on the planet. I took a survey.
  12. This is the warehouse
    Each of these boxes contains headaches and unyielding stress.
  13. This is the skate ramp.
    Named "best ramp in LA" by Marc Johnson. 🏆
  14. This is my office inside my office.
  15. This is my new hamburger lamp from Japan by Undercover.
  16. Good night.
    I'm still here 😞