THEORIES I HAVE THAT MAKE PEOPLE ANGRY
Let’s get something straight. Just because I wholeheartedly believe these things, doesn’t mean I want them to come true. On the contrary, I'm afraid my predictions will come to fruition, and so this is me waving a giant red flag. Fight me.
- 1.Photography is deadBack when digital photography hatched, at least we printed our significant shots. But by 2015, we've become accustomed to never developing our snapshot memories. If we look at photos overwhelmingly on screens, don't print our pix - and print is dead anyways - why does the moment need to remain frozen, outside of artistic novelty? Apple's latest iPhone 6 kicks this theory into motion (pun intended) with Live Photos. The camera now captures a GIF-like cinematic moment, instead of a single take.
- 2.The more people use Waze, the worse it will getMy partner Ben and I used to debate this one back when Waze first hit the scene. His opinion was that the more people subscribed, the better crowdsourced the traffic information would be. Mine was the theory that No, the more people discover this wonderful, beautiful secret, the more congested the shortcuts would become. After a few years, guess who won this argument.
- 3.The end of SexI always look to Japan to see what's next. I never imagined we’d normcore out of fashion, spend so much time on our phones, or warm up to hologrammed concerts - things Japan was doing 10 years ago. At one of the world’s lowest birth rates, half of Japanese women don’t desire sexual contact, most unmarried men aren’t in a relationship, 1/3 under 30 haven’t dated...
- 4....cont'd...The thing is, it's not that they don't want sex, they just don't need another person to get it. The hassle. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Back here, porn proliferation, disdain for human intimacy, and the gamification of dating can make you wonder… With the advent of VR, Internet-induced selfishness, and career over family, maybe that Stallone/Bullock Demolition Man scene wasn’t so outlandish.
- 5."Tour" is pronounced "tore."This is an argument between my brothers and I that I’ve carried since childhood. “NO,” they cry, “it’s ‘toooor.’” My only defense against this is the Disneyland ride, Star Tours. It’s a play on Star Wars, am I right? Shouldn’t it rhyme?
- 6.Everybody's everything is gonna be everywhereHave you seen Citizenfour? This was a confirmation of my decades-old concern that anything we’ve ever done online will come to light - good, bad, and ugly. The Ashley Madison thing was fun and nasty, but an appetizer... Wait until everyone’s email gets split open, our search histories go searchable, our Amazon purchases get leaked. It’ll be like a dam breaking. I’m somewhat at peace with my decisions, I’m just worried about divulging my Netflix history (go easy).
- 7.Clothing will go the way of musicThis one’s personal, because it pertains to my business. Fashion across the board is ailing. We can point to H&M and the mass production of trends, to Kanye West - the world’s biggest rapper who doesn’t wear logos. I "blame" the Internet (surprise) for lowering the barrier-to-entry for brands and designers. Anyone can become a designer overnight, and what’s more, sell direct-to-consumer, abolishing retail. In a game where the newest is hottest, there’s a fresh competitor to chase every day.
- 8.*BTWto the above point, look at Star Trek. If that’s any indication as to where things are headed. Everyone in unbranded activewear. #&@%!
- 9.ChapStick only makes your lips more chappedWho’s coming with me? If this isn’t the biggest conspiracy since Jesus and Mary Magdalene being married.
- 10.People are gonna keep dying needlesslyMore mass shootings. More devastation. Less solutions. Less hope. (Yes, because of the Internet,) our planet has become 7 billion worlds, with each of us at the center. As we isolate ourselves into self-serving bubbles, only following the channels that support our ideas, befriending those who tell us what we want to hear, and solely dealing with others in a way that conveniences our lives, we further remove ourselves from objectivity and empathy. Where's the love? What is compassion?
- 11.The List App is gonna eradicate the need for all other social media and the larger InternetThink about it. Everything you need is here, right? Well, almost...