Just got back from a meeting at Nestlé. On the way out, they let us run wild through the company store. Am I the last person to know that Nestlé owns:
  1. DiGiorno pizza
    B2dae84a 71ea 4922 8fd9 cf07633e6471
  2. CPK frozen pizza
    2a9e882d 5e45 405b b7fd 26fc1c8075c5
  3. Buitoni
    53a6adec 2869 40f3 bc0d 374e2af8124b
  4. Gerber baby food
    33210ca1 eb35 4df5 ba26 1a569d7c0c97
  5. Häagen Dazs
    C00e483a 68ee 4d40 a716 3378c44fbdfa
    Bonus: The Häagen Dazs name isn't Danish. Not even close. A Bronx couple founded the ice cream brand in 1961. The husband sat at the kitchen table for hours rifling off gibberish until he came up with something that honored Denmark for how they took care of the Jews in WW2.
  6. Perrier and Pellegrino
    E837ce0d c8fe 4ae9 b6d5 386386f9fe65
  7. Lean Cuisine
    F8dbba09 de19 41d1 bc56 b8bf7503bd36
  8. Garnier, Maybelline, Lancôme, and The Body Shop
    Bf76359e f34b 4848 905c fae20738f03b
  9. Purina dog food
    8ba30ee9 3e48 4ff4 a587 465cf9d0ca35
  10. Dog food ice cream
    0d2f0d39 3eed 4598 a20e 52c566d7665c
    Wait, did you know ANYONE made this?
  11. The usuals.
    4de654b0 157c 4865 b35f 06692dad597e
    I gave ‘em a marketing freebie based on this old tweet I wrote (that Fat Jew and six other writers stole from me - not that original or funny anyways) how Megan Fox is a Butterfinger because everything about her is hot but her finger. They should do this campaign where she owns up to her fuddy-duddy woodshop thumbs and have other supermodels confess. Like a Taylor Swift vid but less immature and gratuitously vindictive. Anyways, Nestlé was confused because I said all that stuff out loud.