THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW NESTLÉ MADE

Just got back from a meeting at Nestlé. On the way out, they let us run wild through the company store. Am I the last person to know that Nestlé owns:
  1. DiGiorno pizza
  2. CPK frozen pizza
  3. Buitoni
  4. Gerber baby food
  5. Häagen Dazs
    Bonus: The Häagen Dazs name isn't Danish. Not even close. A Bronx couple founded the ice cream brand in 1961. The husband sat at the kitchen table for hours rifling off gibberish until he came up with something that honored Denmark for how they took care of the Jews in WW2.
  6. Perrier and Pellegrino
  7. Lean Cuisine
  8. Garnier, Maybelline, Lancôme, and The Body Shop
  9. Purina dog food
  10. Dog food ice cream
    Wait, did you know ANYONE made this?
  11. The usuals.
    I gave ‘em a marketing freebie based on this old tweet I wrote (that Fat Jew and six other writers stole from me - not that original or funny anyways) how Megan Fox is a Butterfinger because everything about her is hot but her finger. They should do this campaign where she owns up to her fuddy-duddy woodshop thumbs and have other supermodels confess. Like a Taylor Swift vid but less immature and gratuitously vindictive. Anyways, Nestlé was confused because I said all that stuff out loud.