WAYS MY BODY IS FAILING ME

Somehow I got old and my body won't shut up about it.
  1. My head hair
    It's falling out on the top - and right when that shaved on the side/long on the top is super popular!
  2. My body hair
    There is this one... FUCKING hair that grows out of my ear lobe like... Twice weekly. It appears fully grown and thwapping in the wind with no warning whatsoever.
  3. Fat, fat, fatty
    I was never an Adonis, but in the past I could eat ice cream at night and wake up generally the same weight, but now I wake up bloated and looking like that Mike Myers character.
  4. Speaking of dairy!
    I can't eat it anymore because it causes me to fart terrible, terrible farts and then have an incredibly unsatisfactory shit!
  5. My neck, my back, my knees and my crack.
    They all hurt and ache and creak. Except for my crack. I just wanted to reference that khai song. Proves my body is old but my salty sense of humor is young.