Thank you for the request @LevNovak. I am moving to Chicago in a few weeks to work for Clickhole. I am very excited and here is how I will win over the citizens of the city
  1. I will never burn down Wrigley Field
  2. I will take out a small ad in the Chicago Tribune that says "Hey guys, I just moved in. Hope we can be friends and have some nice times together. If you see me around, don't hesitate to say hello! Also if you need anything, let me know. Hope to meet you all soon! -BOH"
  3. I will never let any of the animals out of the zoo, even the ones that want to be free
  4. When I ride the subway I will loudly say things like "What a great public transit system!" and "Look at this damn train go!"
  5. I will drop 7000 fliers from the top of the Willis Tower that contain a picture of my face and the words "Nice Man" underneath, to gain respect
  6. Whenever someone says "New York" I will loudly boo because they are the rival city
  7. I will use Chicago-friendly conversation starters like "In 1998 Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa should have been the home run king instead of Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire, right?"
  8. I will walk down the street with my arms at my sides instead of outstretched the entire time
  9. I will never reveal that I think the way they make pizza and hot dogs is horrible and should be punishable by federal law
  10. I am charming and I am also just a nice guy who is easy to get along with
  11. Adhere to the Secret laws of hyper segregation, the city's most valued tradition.
    Suggested by @ConnerOMalley