The Seven People You Meet at Your Gym's Coed Sauna
Wrote this in a sauna. Hope it was worth all the sweat I got on my phone.
- •The Old ManThis guy is usually between the ages of 65 and 85 (while they can still drive themselves to the gym). Most likely he's fresh out of the pool and dripping water all over the benches sitting in his speedo his wife hates.
- •The Know It AllSure he's ripped and has a neck as thick as your thighs, but that back acne and scabs on his legs tell you exactly how he got there. He spouts off so everyone can hear him over their headphones about some new supplement he's taking that's giving him great results, even though we all know it'll prob just result in a micropenis.
- •The Beats Headphones GuyHe's not fit, but he's at the gym everyday making good use of those $500 headphones. Unfortunately he never actually applies the Beats to his ears, leaving them around his neck and blasts whatever music isn't quite current enough for anyone in the sauna to enjoy. He's annoying but making up for the fact that he spends so much time trying to rid of his man titties.
- •Yoga Limber Girl FantasticaShe's sporting the most expensive Lulu Lemon work out gear and has a gym membership a this cheap ass place. She pretends to know more positions than "downward" dog in the sauna and teaches other eligible men in the sauna how to do these half ass moves and 'assists' them with her perfectly manicured hands. Ending her time in the sauna with a leg so perpendicular to her body she almost has her face in her own vagina.
- •Annoyed Middle Aged WomanQuiet and sweaty, she doesn't take any shit. She's here to get in and get out like any good gigalo. Always sporting her new balance sneakers and scrunchie like she doesn't give a shit what the hell you think, she's here to get some of that aggression out, JESUS DON'T TALK TO ME!
- •Self Conscious Sweaty GuyAlways in the corner, always dripping and regretting coming in the sauna. Most likely has side burns that no one has to heart to tell him to shave off.
- •Tattoo MagooHe's gonna talk your God Damn ear off about all his tattoos and what they mean. This guy could be literally anywhere else and have the same conversation with any other person. He just chooses the sauna in order to trap those looking to work out to force them to look at his ink and stretch marks that lie beneath as a result of getting those GAINZ.