Things I never got around to tweeting

  1. I like biking over running because I am no longer the fattest guy at the event.
  2. I won an argument because I knew the difference between gumbo and jambalaya.
  3. A Subway sandwich is actually cheaper to buy than make at home. The sneeze guard alone could set you back $1000.
  4. Almond milk is like fracking, but for non-dairy natural resources.
  5. Why do dads have to share their holiday with grads and moms don't? Most of them are in May.
  6. Why don't bar bands show up in tune? Surely they knew they had a gig tonight.