Brian's Pet Peeves

This list will never be finished.
  1. when someone misuses or mispronounces a word but we're not close enough friends and I don't wanna come off as a jackass so I'm forced to let it slide even though it's eating at my insides
    Being a grown-up is tough
  2. when someone's tinder bio has some thing dumb like "Love to laugh" as though they're somehow unique in their enjoyment of laughter
    "Love to laugh" can be roughly translated to "I don't have any broken ribs so, no, laughing isn't excruciatingly painful for me"
  3. when I'm sitting on the bus in the morning with headphones in, reading a book, and my legs spread far enough to make the seats next to me seem unavailable and someone has the audacity to ask me if I mind if they sit there because the bus is completely full except for the seat beside the notoriously vulgar and aggressive homeless guy
    Is a little bit of alone time on a public transit that hundreds of people depend on to get to school/work too much to ask for? Ugh
  4. when I'm trying to say something funny but someone RUDELY interrupts me by continuing the story they were already telling before I attempted to interject my comment
    It's like when someone pays for a song on the jukebox and they get pissed at you for unplugging the jukebox mid-song and getting your laptop out so you can play the song you wanted to hear. Like grow up, am I right?
  5. when people ask me if I want to make that a combo
    What do I look like, some sort of peasant? Add $1.99 to my total and give me my fries and soda that makes me burp after every sip so I end up only drinking like a third of it and ultimately regret/question my decision to order a soda
  6. dogs that I haven't petted yet
    Total dick move. I get that you're probably sad about your lack of opposable thumbs but that's no way to get your point across.
  7. when Luke Bryan exists
    Hate when that happens!
  8. when I post a tweet that I think is funny but it gets no favorites or retweets
    I get that people have lives and it's tough to keep up with every tweet someone posts, but my sense of self-worth is 100% derived from Twitter interactions so try making a sacrifice for once, people. Feed my ego!
  9. when you wanna boycott a restaurant for their unnecessarily public stance against gay marriage but chick-n-minis are just too delicious
    Though I am curious what their take is on interobject marriage (totally random example, just spitballing, but let's say a 5'10" male by the name of Bri-errrrr-Ryan wanted to marry a pack of Chick-fil-a sauce)
  10. when I try to build a time machine to go back in time before The Beatles existed so I can release all of their music as my own and gain undeserved fame and wealth but I end up getting stuck in my refrigerator
    Woah, I didn't realize Greek yogurt spoiled so quickly!
  11. when I hold the door open for a lady and she doesn't reward me with a blank check
    Ungrateful much???
  12. when I hold the door open for a lady and she says "thank you" but I can't tell if she's thanking me for holding the door or thanking me for that one time I gave my co-worker's wife a ride to her doctor's appointment because his car wouldn't start
    Stop being so vague all the time, women!
  13. when I hold the door open for a lady but then the bus driver yells at me for opening the emergency exit and repeating "after you" to the lady in the car behind us who probably couldn't even hear me
    Chivalry isn't dead, ladies, no matter how much bus drivers try to kill it
  14. when I have headphones in on campus and a walker-by tries to speak to me which leads to the next 10 minutes of my life being spent hoping that my awkward nod-and-smile was an appropriate reply to whatever they said
    One time a guy pointed at me and made a comment on a day that I was very low on sleep and I gave him a very unfriendly, questioning face as he passed then seconds later I realized he said "I like your shirt" in regards to my Mouserat shirt. I still have nightmares about this
  15. when restaurant customers leave without tipping me
    Oh, I don't deserve a tip because I "don't even work here"? I'll have you know I overheard your lady friend ask "who is this song by?" while Ramble On was playing to which you replied "I'm not sure" AND I DIDN'T EVEN THROW MY STEAK KNIFE AT YOUR FACE.
  16. when someone claims to be "fluent in sarcasm" not even knowing they've exposed themselves as a phoney because a straightforward "I'm sarcastic" comment is the last way a true sarcast-artist would convey their familiarity with the discipline of sarcasm
    My response is always "oh, that's really cool!" just to show 'em who's boss. The sarcasm always goes undetected.
  17. when I say a word too many times and it starts to sound wrong and lose its meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaning meaneng meeneng me ning me kneeing
    This happened to me for the first time in 1st grade with the word "book", it took me 6 years to recover from the ensuing mental breakdown
  18. when someone shares a sad but cheesy post on Facebook that ends with predictable sharebait like "1 Share=1 Prayer" or "Share if you love God, keep scrolling for Satan"
    Why can't 1 Share=2 Prayers for once? If the Euro-dollar conversion rate fluctuates, why doesn't the share-prayer rate as well? And dammit Uncle Ed, your last post was a rant about how homosexuality is a sin and gays all go to hell and now you expect me to share an image that makes God think I'm gay for him? Not falling for that one. Try "Share if you'd shotgun a beer with the G-man and fist bump him afterwards" next time and maybe I'll bite
  19. when people try to express their disapproval of abortion (or any other like topic) but word it as "I don't believe in abortion (or any other like topic)"
    So what, you sit around the campfire and take turns telling spooky abortion stories? No need to be scared Lucy, abortions aren't actually real! Now go back to sleep. Yeah, I see that picture of an abortion clinic, but it looks pixelated. Obvious photoshop.
  20. when someone tries to convey a small probability by saying "fat chance" instead of "slim chance" but fails to attach any sort of sarcastic eye roll or voice inflection
    THAT'S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS
  21. when you're playing Pokemon and you wanna name your newly caught Pidgey "Professor Cocknballs" but there's only space for 8 letters so you have to compromise
    "SHITBIRD used GUST!"