THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN THREE YEARS OF MARRIAGE
Above all: be a bubble.
- •Wade and I celebrated 3 years of being married this last Wednesday.Look at the flowers he got me!
- •I know that's not very long, but I'd never dated anyone more than a few weeks before we got together, and now it's been 5 1/2 years! I feel like I've learned so much.
- •Plenty of this stuff is probably intuitive to everyone else. But I figured I'd share anyway. So. Here goes.
- •Get to the point when you're bickering.Closely related: if you're in a bad mood about one thing, don't be in a bad mood about everything. If you're pissed about work, don't snap at him about random stuff he does. You're not really mad at how he's lying on the pillows or that he's got 3 pairs of shoes by the front door. Tell him you're pissed about work and in a terrible mood— bc he actually wants to help you feel better. You'll avoid a stupid fight and you might actually get some good advice or sympathy in the process.
- •....but pick your battles and times.Are you actually kind of annoyed he's got 3 pairs of shoes by the front entryway? Again? Okay, fair. But decide how much it really matters—and for goodness' sake, don't bring it up at 11pm when he's a zombie just bc you're alert and tidying up the apartment, bc Lord knows you'd be a nightmare if he started asking you about receipts or the calendar before 9am.
- •Don't act mad if you aren't.Sometimes I get into a snit bc my pride gets offended or I didn't get my way— but as soon as I actually examine the feeling, I realize I'm not really mad; its more that i *feel* I should be mad. This is a complete freaking waste of time. MOVE ON.
- •It's not about finding "the best" person, really.Aziz Anzari talked a lot about this in Modern Romance, and I agree. Commitment was initially awful for me, bc I used to do this thing when I dated where I constantly had one eye out for a more attractive/smarter/wittier/sharper-dressed/better option. I was missing the point. Find a good person who loves you, whose temperament complements yours and whose values align with yours. And then build something with them. Basically—the grass is greenest where you take the time to water it.
- •Making him happy makes me happy.This feels like it should be obvious, but I am selfish. But it's true. When I give him the better piece of meat at dinner or tweak the budget so he can have something he really wants, he's so happy, it makes me happy. And being happy together is so much better than being happy alone.
- •Be a bubble.This is the big one. Let your relationship be a place unaffected by circumstances. Obviously you have to deal with the rest of the world, but sometimes you should take time to blow it off—bail on friends, if ya gotta, or swear not to talk about work for awhile, or act like morons in public (who cares what other ppl think?). Think of it this way: you're in an action movie, and you two are back-to-back, guns drawn. In the end, you and your person are the thing that matters the most. BE A BUBBLE.