I've been trying to keep positive but frankly just don't know what to do.
  1. My husband doesn't think we are equals
  2. I'm not sure if I feel that we are equals
  3. When we met, nine years ago, I was 20 and he was 6 years older.
  4. He is white and I am black
  5. These points matter - trust me.
  6. Because he was older and from a higher socio-economic class, I thought he knew all. He was always right and knew the best things to do and the right way to do them.
  7. White is right, right?
  8. My family is kind of a mess. At 20-26 I was kind of a mess.
  9. I was struggling with my identity. Like most early 20s women often do.
  10. I wanted to be perfect and right for my future spouse but had a lot of demons to overcome.
  11. His family was overtly and explicitly critical and judgmental of me.
  12. His older relatives made racist comments
  13. His mother said I needed "more education."
  14. I got a masters degree and resolved most of my demons, all while maintaining this goal of unattainable perfection.
  15. We get engaged.
  16. I finish my masters but face a years worth of unemployment and dead end jobs.
  17. My fiancé, then husband, supports me financially through this but not once do his connections help me or his well connected family.
  18. Friends and family openly make offensive remarks about "our situation" in front of us.
  19. He never defends me or the choices that "we" made.
  20. I offer unwavering support for his career and aspirations.
  21. I figure out that I am no longer a mess. Im actually pretty cool and realistic about life.
  22. But the unrealistic burden of, who is always right and makes the best choices, weighs on me.
  23. I get a job and finally have a real shot at adult life.
  24. But according to his family and friends and him, my job is less serious, less demanding.
  25. We never talk about race or problems. Everything is perfect. Always.
  26. I feel oppressed and slightly abused.
  27. But how...
  28. Is it emotional? Psychological?
  29. He is more financially secure and makes the most money in our household.
  30. We both have the same amount of education. He a J.D. Me an M.A.
  31. Even though I now have my own financial security, I can't help but feel like he sees me as a child.
  32. That he thinks I'm the same 20 year old who needs help making "right" choices.
  33. That he sees me as emotionally unstable. (See short story: The Yellow Wallpaper).
  34. I know I'm not that person but often feel like I'm being gaslighted by him.