The Time I Decided to Switch My Birth Control

A story of pain and awfulness. Be warned... This gets graphic. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
  1. I was on the NuvaRing for 5 years
  2. I was doing fine on it.
    No weird weight gain or anything
  3. My friend tells me that I need to get off of it ASAP because she almost died when she was on it.
  4. I immediately freaked out and did research.
  5. Same friend recommended a non hormone BC.
  6. The copper IUD
  7. I liked the idea of not being on hormones...
  8. ...and so did my boyfriend 😁
  9. So I did a bunch of research and talked to my doctor about pros and cons and risks and blah blah blah
    I took this step very seriously... This was in fact my baby maker and if I screwed something up by changing BCs because I get moody, and couldn't have kids because of it... I would be real upset.
  10. Everything seemed to make sense. The main reason I wanted the copper IUD was for the no hormonal effects.
  11. I made an appointment.
  12. I was excited, but nervous.
  13. The day came and it was like any other day.
    Except for the fact that I was get something stuck into my cervix
  14. I'm in the chair with my legs up in the stirrups
  15. I think to myself: "this can't be too bad... I just got a tattoo last month and hardly flinched!"
  16. Doctor: "okay... I'm going to need you to cough 3 times for me"
  17. *cough*
  18. *cough*
  19. *COUGH*
  20. With the third cough, the sharpest pain I've ever felt in my entire life emanated from my cervix.
  21. Not my vagina. My freaking cervix
  22. Imagine all the cramps you've ever had in your life and combine them into a "Big Bang"... That's like a needle prick.
  23. It literally felt like someone shot a bullet into my vagina to open the special cervix gate.
    Not that I know what a gun shot feels like... But I could assume it doesn't feel good.
  24. I impulsively clench my ass cheeks
  25. The nurse tries to have me calm down. But I really can't relax my ass.
  26. It was like my body was talking to me... "What the eff man!!!"
  27. I do some Lamaze
    Which I've taught myself because sometimes I eat too much sushi and breathing through pain really helps.
  28. Then I kinda black out.
  29. Not fully.
  30. My body was jello-y and hot and the doctor asked me how I was feeling and I just said "oh that wasn't too bad...I'm sure childbirth is worse" because I wanted to get the eff out of there.
  31. They leave and I book it to the bathroom
    I suddenly had the hugest urge to take a massive shit. Nothing came out.
  32. I was in the bathroom for a good 30 min. Texting my boyfriend that he may need to drive to Kaiser and carry me out of the bathroom.
  33. I speed home, not caring if I get pulled over because I think I can get out of a ticket if I tell the officer that my cervix exploded
  34. I get home and sleep.
  35. Except I can't sleep because the pain is awful.
  36. I receive a pain killer that knocks me out for a little.
  37. I wake up every couple of hours and run to the bathroom not sure if I'm gonna puke, shit, or explode from the vagina.
  38. I call in sick the next day
    For legitimate reasons
  39. The weekend goes by and I'm feeling better
  40. Then a week.
  41. Then another
  42. Then I realize I haven't pooped since the "operation"
  43. That's when I start trying every stool softener in the book!
  44. And let me tell you...
  45. Chipotle... Doesn't work
  46. Stool softener... Works for a short time but not long term. Just makes your butt hole explode
  47. Enema.... Yes I tried a freaking enema... Does NOT work. Clears you out temporarily but that's it
  48. Then... My friend (who recommended the IUD) tells me to take castor oil.
  49. MOTHER FUCKING CASTOR OIL.
  50. I nearly barf after taking it
    Thinking about it to this day makes me want to vomit
  51. NEVER EVER EVER TAKE CASTOR OIL
    Do you know castor oils is used in breaking fluid? They give that stuff to pregnant women to induce labor!!!!
  52. Then I decide to take probiotics and drink a SHIT TON of coffee
    Pun intended 💩
  53. It fucking worked.
  54. Praise the poop gods. 🙌🏼
  55. Now it's been a couple months since and all my left over hormones from the NuvaRing have flushed out and now I have normal periods (full 7 days... Yuck) and have acne again.
  56. But on the bright side... My boyfriend says I'm not so much of a bitch anymore!
  57. Worth it?
  58. We will see...
  59. Some of you may think this story is dramatic. And that you didn't feel that bad with your IUD experience.
  60. Consider yourself lucky.
  61. I've never had children... So that special cervix gate was opened for the first time manually by a doctor.
  62. My cervix was Gandalf
  63. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!