I WAS SUBJECTED TO 5 HOURS OF PRAISE MUSIC AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE

Occasionally, the grocery store I work at will be tuned to praise music because... small town Kansas. If you don't know what praise music is, well all I can say is bless your sweet, sweet heathen ass. Here are some thoughts I had while it was forced upon my very own blasphemer's ears for the entirety of a shift.
  1. Why does every song sound like it was recorded in someone's basement recording studio in 1997?
  2. Every "pop" song sounds vaguely country-ish...
  3. All of the guys in the "rock" songs sound like they couldn't quite hack it in their Pearl Jam tribute band, so they decided to praise Jesus.
  4. Is there only one woman who just records under various pseudonyms? Because they all sound the same.
  5. Even Jesus would be like "Okay, an hour is pleeeeenty. And no one wants to listen to Creed. Just... No."
  6. The chorus of one song was just a guy singing over and over "Set me on fire!" and I was like - Me, too, man. Me, too.
  7. I've never felt more like sinning than I do after listening to 5 hours of that while serving deli meats and fried chicken to people wearing MAGA hats.