SCHADENFREUDE DELUXE (TRUE STORY)

I haven't been sure if I should share this, but if you've read enough of my lists, I think you can see the humor. I hope. 😮😄
  1. Several years ago, I was in a very dark place. My marriage was beginning to fall apart at the seams, we were living in a new town and I didn't have anyone to confide in, and I was an exhausted mother of five young children.
  2. My depression peaked and I became suicidal. So desperate was I to escape the pain that late one night I took a bunch of Tylenol PM. I instantly regretted it and immediately made myself throw them up.
  3. I knew I needed to reach out to someone right away, so I did the only thing I could think to do that late at night. I called the suicide hotline. I remember it vividly and wrote it in my journal right away. Here's the conversation that transpired:
  4. Phone ringing: "Hello, National Suicide Hotline, Jeff speaking. Can you tell me why you're calling tonight?"
  5. Me (thinking to myself that it should be fairly obvious): "Well...I want to commit suicide."
  6. Jeff: "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Uhhh... (pause, rifling sound in background) Uhhh...I need to, uhhh...put you on hold. I'm so sorry but I need to put you on hold..."
  7. Me: "Ummm...(is this normal to do to a suicidal person??)...okay?"
  8. Jeff: "... okay... sorry..." (Click)
  9. Hold music begins to play.
  10. "I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE, WHOOOA OH, I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE, WHOOOA OH, I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE, WHOOOOOA OOOOH OH, AND DON'T IT FEEL GOOD!!!"
  11. Yes.
  12. That's right.
  13. Not only had I been PUT ON HOLD
  14. BY THE SUICIDE HOTLINE
  15. The hold music was Katrina and the fucking Waves.
  16. The absurdity of it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I started giggling hysterically.
  17. That's when I knew I would be okay. And I was. ☺