Things I'm Pretty Good At

  1. Making mashed potatoes
    As they are my comfort food of choice, I know how to make some bombass mashed taters.
  2. Giving a presentation with no notes or rehearsal beforehand
    I've given several presentations for work, and some of them have been pretty important and on a national level. Didn't rehearse a one.
  3. Sexting/Phone Sex
    I have a good voice and I'm good at creating visual imagery. What can I say.
  4. Looking like someone who's never had phone sex or engaged in sexting
    To quote the great John Mulaney, "I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years.”
  5. Appearing busy at work without actually accomplishing one goddamn thing
    It helps that you can't see my laptop screen from the door of my office. And that my normal resting face is furrowed brows.
  6. Charming babies and small children
    Kids love me. It's something I inherited from my father, who was a well-known baby whisperer.
  7. Cursing
    Which shocks the pants off of most people the first time they hear me. Again, my face does not look like one that utters the phrase "you motherfucking cocksucker", and I do attempt to be aware of my surroundings. I can be mostly appropriate when the occasion calls for it.
  8. Finding the perfect outfit for someone
    Perfect example - my middle daughter recently went prom dress shopping. She wanted something black. (She's going through her grunge phase.) But I found a gorgeous periwinkle tulle gown and begged her to try it. She. Looked. Stunning. Not even she could deny it. But she really needed the next size up and the store didn't have it and she didn't want to order it or keep looking, so she got a black dress. But still. I was right.
  9. Improvising a recipe
    I can go to my pantry or fridge and generally throw something together that's tasty. And I look at all recipes as just jumping off points.
  10. Seeing the humor in things
    Survival technique at its finest!
  11. Forgiving
    I would love to play off that I'm a cold hearted petty bitch who burns her enemies to the ground, but I'm not. I believe in the inherent goodness in people. I do not forget what's been done, but it takes a lot for me to stop giving you chances. I recognize that this probably directly led to me being in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic, but why should I let that kill a part of me that's beautiful. I refuse to be jaded.
  12. Hiding candy from my children
    It only gets more difficult as they get older. Seriously. I'd be more upset if they found my candy stash than if they found my sex toys.