I'LL HAVE "THE BROOKE"

Inspired by the illustrious Mr. @Nicholas Kraft
  1. The sandwich
    Tuna salad with the subtlest hint of yellow curry mixed in on crusty toasted sourdough bread. Serve with whole pepperoncinis and kettle potato chips on the side. For added fun, ask for a ramekin of ranch or buffalo sauce in which to dip your chips.
  2. The bagel
    Open faced plain or everything bagel with a layer of shmear, sliced avocados, thin tomato slices, and a slice of pepper jack cheese. Broil until melted to the perfect balance of soft and crisp.
  3. The pizza
    Supple and thin (but not crackery thin) crust. Savory red sauce that is neither garlicky nor sweet. Layers of kalamata, green, and black olives, pepperoni, sliced red and orange bell peppers, 'shrooms, jalapeños (abso-tutely). Also bacon crumbles (duh). Finish with an even dusting of mozzarella, romano, and parmesan cheeses.
  4. The mocktail
    Virgin mojito, heavy on the mint and light on the pure cane sugar syrup, throw in a dash of peach juice for sweetness. Made using European limonade and served very cold. Must be drunk through a straw as trying to drink straight from the glass causes an avalanche of pebble ice to land on your face.
  5. The pedicure
    25 full minutes of feet soaking in roiling hot water while sipping a Coke Zero and reading trashy magazines before anyone even thinks to touch your feet. Legs are then massages and lubed up with hemp lotion while the skin on the feet is gently sloughed off with fine-grain sponges. Nails are then carefully shaped and shellacked a bright pastel blue while a muscular man massages your shoulders. Not a word is spoken the entire time.
  6. The summer beverage
    Fresh Orangade made by Amish women using real oranges, a clementine, and a squirt of lemon. Or, limeade made from fresh-squeezed limes, cane sugar, and mint leaves shaken to perfection in a Mason jar.
  7. The shoe
    1970s-style platform open-toe heel made out of a rich-colored wood. A large Pom-Pom made out of fake blossoms and berries adorns the top of each shoe's strap.
  8. The coiffure
    Long hair french braided into two equal pigtails. Wrap a floral or polka dot wire headband around the head. Wind each braid in tight spirals onto the headband on the sides of the head, starting well above the ears and work your way down. Secure with pins.